A few months ago, my wife sat me down to confess something she had wanted to tell me for ages. She’s been looking for the right opportunity to say to me as our son is getting married in a few weeks. She’s got no choice but to get it out, so I know what’s coming my way. I have two girls, aged 25 and 18, and a son, aged twenty-two.

My wife said, “Try to see the funny side of it and don’t get angry as it happened years ago, and it can’t be undone.”

I could feel the anxiety building up inside me like she was about to confess to cheating on me. I said, “Just get to it, as you’re stressing me out by prolonging the build-up.”

She sat quietly, thinking about how to start the conversation.

The wife started talking after a long deep breath. “When Andy (our son) was about fifteen, he was bothered about something and seemed withdrawn and sad,” she said. “I tried talking to him to see what was wrong. Was he worried about exams, or was he getting bullied? But he wouldn’t tell me and kept saying, ‘It’s embarrassing.’”

“OK,” I said,

She continued. “I eventually got him to talk to me as I was going to go speak to his teachers and arrange a meeting, so he said to me, ‘I’m worried about the size of my penis.’ I told Andy that he had a normal penis.”

“What did he say to that?” I asked.

“He said there are boys in his year that are bigger than him, and the guys in porn films are massive, and he’s small in comparison. I asked him whether he wanted me to look at it. I was embarrassed that I did not know how to handle the conversation, but he didn’t want to talk to you, the nurse at school, or the doctor.”

“He was fifteen. What did you expect,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“He didn’t want to show me in case I laughed at him, and he kept saying, ‘It’s small,’ and, ‘I’m the smallest in my group of friends.’ I told him he still has time, and it will catch up, but if he was concerned, he needed to see a doctor or something, which he didn’t want to do.”

“The poor kid,” I said.

“So, I told him, ‘How about you take some photos of it and maybe place a ruler next to it so I can see how long it is and leave your phone with me. I can look at it without you being in the room; that way, you won’t be embarrassed.’”

“What did he say to that?” I asked.

“He didn’t want to do that, but after a couple of days, he said he would take photos and let me see it as I’ve seen it all through his childhood, and it’s less embarrassing than showing it to a nurse or doctor.”

I was looking at my wife, thinking, ‘What does any of this have to do with me?’

But she carried on with her story. “He went to his room and did what he had to do to get it erect and took a few photos of it mostly erect and a couple of them soft,” she said. “He came back down and said, ‘Shall I leave my phone with you, or shall I send them to you?’ I told him either way, whatever he’s comfortable with. He sent me the photos on the condition that I delete them immediately unless I needed to show them to the doctor.

“He sent me the photos, and I was thinking, ‘Oh God, do I want to see his erect penis?’ After he sent the photos, he went out with his friends. It took me over an hour to get the courage to look at the photos, and he had a perfectly normal penis. It was the same size as his six-inch ruler. His soft penis looked slightly on the small side, but his erect penis looked fine.”

I said, “So he doesn’t have a small penis, then?”

The last time I saw Andy naked, he was probably about seven, and I was still confused about where this conversation was going.

She said, “No, it was normal, and he did say he thought it was still growing as every few months it looked bigger or felt bigger but can’t be sure. So, when he returned from his friends, I sat him down and told him I looked at the photos, and he started getting uncomfortable.

“I bet,” I said with a chuckle.

“I told him his size was good for his age, and he’s not small and not to worry about his friend’s sizes as mixed races and black men are known to be bigger by genetics,” my wife said. “He seemed a little reassured and asked if I thought it would grow more. I told him I don’t know, but there’s nothing wrong with six inches, and it’s above average.”

I nodded. Seemed reasonable so far. But knowing my wife, the kicker will soon come.

She smiled. Then she said, “So, to make him feel better about it, I told him his penis was twice the size of yours.”

I went red in the face. “You did what?”

We ended up arguing about it, and I stormed out.

*****

The next day, I was still trying to process what had happened and how he had known for the last seven years that his dad had a three-inch penis at best. I wanted to learn more. Eventually, I apologized to my wife, and I promised not to react and would listen to everything she had to say after a few more reassurances that I would be able to handle the rest of what happened.

“So, after I told him your penis is three inches hard, and he should be proud to be double, Andy laughed and looked at his photo with the ruler looking where his penis was at three inches. He showed me his penis photo, saying, ‘Dad’s only this much?’ pointing at the three-inch mark. He wasn’t sure if I was saying it to make him feel better about himself and kept saying I was lying to him but laughing simultaneously. So, I told him I could prove it and showed him your dick pic.”

I gasped.

She laughed. “We had a good laugh, and I think he felt proud of his penis after seeing what a small penis looks like.”

I sat shaking my head, trying to keep cool, but I felt so embarrassed. I asked, “Is that all?”

“No, there’s more. Andy told his best friend he was twice your size. Remember Andy and Angela (oldest daughter) always used to be annoying each other, and she used to call him shrimp-dick? Andy said to her one day, ‘Dad’s the shrimp dick around here,’ in retaliation to her taunts, and he told her how small you are. It wasn’t long before Debbie (youngest daughter) overheard about your penis, so all three have known about your penis for ages, and it’s become a running family joke.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

My wife continued, “But don’t worry, I have never shown the girls any of your photos. I just showed it to Andy to boost his confidence.”

I was speechless. I didn’t even know how to react. I was trying to process that my wife had told our kids my most sensitive information, but I was curious why she brought it up now when it’s been years since she told them.

“So why tell me now? You didn’t tell me anytime in the last seven years?” I said.

“After I told Andy about your tiny dick, he seemed happier. Remember his first girlfriend, Sarah? When he met her, he bragged to her about having a huge penis, and after they started dating. Andy told Sarah he’s twice your size. That’s why he brags about being big. So, Sarah was in on your size secret.

“After they broke up, he met Alice, your soon-to-be daughter-in-law. Andy told her the same bragging story, and she told her friends. The information was circulated to their friends and family. It’s now common knowledge amongst Alice’s family and friends that you have a tiny micro dick.”

I tried to keep calm. I managed to joke, “Alice will be a widow before she gets married. Wait till I get my hands on that boy. Please tell me that’s everything.”

She smiled. “Sorry, there’s just one more thing. I was with Alice and her bridesmaids doing wedding shopping, and they told me small snippets of the speeches people have been writing to say at the wedding, and there are a few jokes about your tiny penis. That’s why I had to tell you just so you don’t get caught off-guard,”

I didn’t react; I was annoyed, but I was also finding it funny, and I was even feeling a little turned on, knowing so many people knew how small I was. I joked about skipping the wedding and doing a penis enlargement operation instead.

My wife laughed, saying, “It could be worse. I could slip a nudie of yours into the photos they will be projecting during the speeches.”

I replied, “Don’t you dare.”

*****

I set my mind on my son’s wedding, which was uncomfortable mingling with Alice’s family. It felt like they all had x-ray vision and could see me naked. Regarding the speeches, I quietly went outside after I said mine. I could hear the occasional burst of laughter. I’m guessing that was my penis jokes being told by my wife and Alice’s family and friends.

My wife told me later that she enjoyed hearing me being outed to the wedding guests and would have loved to have seen my face when his best man said the room that Andy had once told him his dad had a third nipple between his legs and did the small penis sign. The guests had burst out laughing, and he told Andy he was a colossal dick for saying that about his dad.

Yes, Andy does have a huge dick now, and Alice is a lucky girl. Ouch, no wonder everyone was smiling at me the whole evening. It became a running joke since the wedding, and they all regularly joke about my size. I do enjoy it. I didn’t think being ‘outed’ would be so liberating.

 

The End.

 

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