True Stories: Celebrity Small Penises

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These stories are the artistic expression of the authors who wrote them. The Small Dick Club strongly believes in freedom of speech, and the right of artists to be heard, especially if what they say pushes the boundaries of what is acceptable in society. If you think you won’t like the content of this post, then don’t read it. It’s that simple. The Small Dick Club wishes to advise readers that any similarities in these stories to actual or real people or events is purely coincidental and unintended. That any story marked as a ‘true story’ shouldn’t be taken literally, as we have no way to verify if stories submitted to us are true. The Small Dick Club takes no responsibility for the imaginations and literary creations of authors who post their stories here.
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Ashton Kutcher: In 2008, Kutcher’s late ex-girlfriend Brittany Murphy joked about the relationship between him and his then-wife Demi Moore on David Letterman: “To him age doesn’t matter and to her size doesn’t matter.” Followed by multiple “Kidding!” assurances, obviously.

Brad Pitt: Pitt’s ex Juliette Lewis was out at a bar when she claimed, “He was no… BIG deal, if ya know what I mean!” When a crowd member asked her to clarify his situation, she reportedly laughed so hard she banged into a table. Later, his Ocean’s co-star George Clooney jokingly (?) put a “Small Penis on Board” sticker on his car. Haters gonna hate.

Enrique Iglesias: Iglesias isn’t packing and he’s not ashamed. He always references his small manhood, one time saying, “The next product I’m gonna put my name on is extra-small condoms. I can never find extra-small condoms, and I know it’s really embarrassing for people, you know, from experience. Hopefully people won’t be ashamed when I step forward.” You can run, you can hide, and his penis still won’t be there.

Jude Law: After we learned Law was having an affair with his nanny, things got even worse when pics of his penis were revealed. Publications like Page Six were not impressed, comparing his “meagre manhood” to George Costanza’s “shrinkage” in Seinfield. Woof.

Shia LaBeouf: In a 2009 interview, the former Disney star told Playboy about losing his virginity: “It put her at a weird angle, where I couldn’t get in correctly. I’m not extremely well-endowed… and clearly this wasn’t the move.”

Nick Cannon: Before he was set to be Mr. Mariah Carey, Cannon’s ex Selita Ebanks said “no comment” when asked about his penis size in this amazing 2011 throwback interview. We’re guessing she’s sparing him the embarrassment.

Eminem: In 2007, Eminem’s estranged ex-wife Kim Mathers told a Detroit radio station that he was “not very well-endowed” and that sex with him was downright “bad.” Her advice: “If you’re going to have sex with Marshall, make sure you have a little blue pill, because otherwise it does not work.” That’s low.

Daniel Radcliffe: The Harry Potter star went full-frontal in Equus. He blamed on-stage shrinkage on stage fright, saying his member “tighten[ed] up like a hamster.” Hey, at least he had the balls to be nude on stage.

Nick Lachey: Following her split from Nick Lachey in 2006, Jessica Simpson gave an interview in which she reportedly confessed: “Nick’s small package was a problem sometimes, like the first time we had sex, to tell you the truth, I didn’t really feel much. I faked the whole thing. I really felt sorry for him; I still loved him though.” Lachey, who married Vanessa Minnillo in July, took the high road after those below-the-belt remarks and didn’t respond. Here’s hoping Simpson’s new fiancé, Eric Johnson, will measure up.

Tom Arnold: After divorcing Tom Arnold in 1994, Roseanne Barr went on Saturday Night Live and revealed that her ex had a three-inch penis. Fortunately, Arnold had a good sense of humour about it and delivered the perfect comebac. “What’s small?” he asked. “Hell, even a 747 looks small if it lands in the Grand Canyon.” Several years later, he made peace with the incident in his memoir, How I Lost Five Pounds in Six Years: “My penis is fine,” Arnold wrote. “Maybe because I undersell it. If someone expects petite and gets medium, they’re impressed.”

Jon Gosselin: “When I love someone, I would never want to hurt them,” Hailey Glassman said about her troubled relationship with Jon Gosselin in October 2009. A few months later, after their breakup, Glassman had plenty of unkind words about the former reality-TV star for Steppin’ Out magazine: “He was so small, I didn’t think he would cheat on me,” she said. “He’s hung like a nine-year-old boy. I’m serious. This is true.” Then Glassman added, just for good measure: “Anybody who sleeps with him will notice. It’s very noticeable. It’s so tiny, tiny, tiny.” Still, Gosselin did manage to father eight children with it.

Sir Mick Jagger: It’s not only exes that can deliver low blows. In his highly acclaimed memoir, Life, Keith Richards wrote about Mick Jagger: “Marianne Faithful had no fun with his tiny todger.I know he’s got an enormous pair of balls – but it doesn’t quite fill the gap.” Sir Mick’s former wife Jerri Hall stepped up to defend her ex-husband on BBC 2 radio, saying, “Mick is very well endowed. I should know – I was with him for 23 years. Keith is just jealous.”

Russell Brand: Notwithstanding the infamous image of Brand being arrested at Trafalgar Square naked where his penis looks absolutely tiny. It was later claimed Brand was high on drugs and that’s why his dick was so small in that image. But when rumours spread all over the internet that his split with Katy Perry after two years of marriage was due to his small penis size not doing it for Katy in the bedroom. We can only assume that the drugs would have worn off by then, so there may be truth to the rumour that allegedly he has a tiny dick. The image doesn’t lie though.

Oliver Hudson: An American actor, best known for his role as Adam Rhodes in the CBS comedy series Rules Of Engagement (2007-13). He is the son of Goldie Hawn and Bill Hudson and brother of Kate Hudson. At his step-father’s recent 64th birthday, the actor Kurt Russell, Oliver shared a snap of his step-father in character as his Escape From New York alter-ego Snake Plissken, complete with eye patch, on his social networking page and joked he was grateful for Kurt comforting him when he confessed he had a “small penis”.

He wrote: “Happy birthday to the greatest dad in Santa Monica. I love you more than you realize. Before you came into my life, I was only potential and you made me, forced me, to find my confidence, my independence and strive for the elusive fearlessness that you so matter of factly possess. I look up to you and always will. And when I told you I had a small penis, your answer was moving, “It’s okay son, there’s a snake in all of us.”

Rudolf Valentino: Dating back to the de Saulles trial in New York, during which his masculinity had been questioned in print, Valentino had been very sensitive about his public perception. Women loved him and thought him the epitome of romance. However, American men were less impressed, walking out of his movies in disgust. However, rumours floated around him endlessly that he was “hung like a cricket”. Who knew, the biggest heart-throb of his era had tiny dick.

Danny Bonaduce: The Partridge Family star turned radio host Danny Bonaduce grossed everyone out when he got completely naked and showed off his manhood, or lack thereof, along with his puff of orange pubic hair at the Erotic Ball in San Francisco in 2007. Click here to see the uncensored pics.

Fred Durst: The Limp Bizkit’s horrific home sex tape proved Durst is neither a shower or a grower, and he was NOT happy about it! The 44-year-old sued Gawker Media after they posted the leaked video of him having sex with his tiny cock.

Howard Stern: He jokes about everyone else’s sexuality, but didn’t sound like he was messing around when he told Rolling Stone: “No guy will ever admit to having a small penis. I just went on the record. I might be one of the smallest guys in the world.”

Usher: Author Karrine Steffans described her intimate encounter with Usher: “This man is not packing, his dick is way too small and he was having a hard time trying to find my hole. I’d fuck Lil Jon before I’d have sex with Usher again.”

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