Not the Way I Planned It


I met Traci in high school. We were in Chemistry together during our junior year. We lived close to each other and joined study groups with other friends in our neighborhood. All in our groups were very compatible and the association was somewhat like a club. The groups were fluid and dynamic with people coming and going off and on. Exam times brought everyone out. Socially, the group broke off into smaller groups. The smaller groups were more event-oriented as opposed to maintaining a small rigid circle.

Traci and I never officially dated until our last semester in high school. We had both turned eighteen and I assumed we were both virgins. We necked and petted, but did not have sex. She seemed a little reluctant to deepen our relationship. One week, Traci told me that she was going to her grandmother’s out of town. I thought nothing of it and just hung out Friday evening with one of my guy friends. We were cruising the out of the way places where plenty of young people went parking. Depending on how far you thought you could get with your date, you chose a place to park. Necking was done on the easier access places. For sex, everyone went deep into the country.

My friend and I cruised to one of the “heavy petting” roads and saw a black sports car down the lane. It was a really good parking place because it was a teardrop lane that allowed you to turn and head out without having to back up and turn around. When we turned our headlights to the black car, we saw no one at first. As we got closer, a head popped up in the window and who would it be but my girlfriend, Traci. Ted, my friend, saw her also, plain as day. We continued on around and left.

As soon as we got back on the highway, Ted looked at me with a questioning look. I was burning mad. He tried to mitigate my anger by saying, “Come on man that could have been anyone. It is dark.”

I told him, “Good try, Ted, but you and I both saw Traci. And whose car was that anyway?”

The next Monday, I walked the parking lot at school and did not see a car matching that description. Traci did not know that it was Ted and me who had seen her at the parking spot. I was not sure how to approach her. We had known each other for awhile but had only been dating a few months.

I asked Traci how her trip to her grandmother’s had been. She looked a little guilty, but just said it was good. She seemed to know that something was not right. Needless to say, we broke up shortly after that, but I never confronted her about who she had been with.

We went our separate ways with her going away to a small liberal arts college and I going to a larger university closer to home. After two years, I was still frustrated and wanting a steady girlfriend, but nothing had materialized. I dated some, but my confidence had been shaken after my breakup with Traci. One day I was walking across campus and I heard someone calling my name. “Terry, Terry, is that you?”

I turned and was stunned when I saw Traci coming toward me. She looked fantastic. I was a little uncomfortable when she came up and gave me a hug.

“Terry, I transferred here to be a little closer to home. It is so good to see you. How have you been? Are you dating anyone?”

She was twenty questions all over again. I could not believe that she was so open and friendly, being my ex-girlfriend. She seemed like we were still the best of friends.

Traci said, “I am rushing to class. Here, let me give you my phone number. Give me a call and we will get together.” She wrote her number on a piece of paper and gave it to me. She gave me a quick peck on the cheek and then rushed away like a sudden breeze. I looked at the piece of paper and then at her beautiful ass as she walked away from me. I had no intention of calling her, but that ass was so round and so perfect that I could not help thinking about what might have been. For some reason, I could not throw her phone number away. For the next week, I fought the urge to pick up the phone and dial the number. In my heart, I knew that calling her might be exhilarating, but in the end I would be disappointed again. So I did not call.

A few weeks went by and I was hanging out with some guy friends at a local college café when Traci walked in with a couple of girlfriends. Eventually she spotted me and came over to our table. She again greeted me with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. She said that she and the girls were going to order and then she wanted to talk with me. My guy friends were all over me when she walked away. They could not understand why I was so cool to her. I explained that she was my ex-girlfriend from high school and that we had broken up while still in high school. The comments ranged anywhere from, “Stupid” to, “It looks like she still has the hots for you.” I did not want to get into details so I just indicated that I had moved on.

The guys assured me that she was so hot that I ought to try and re-kindle that romance. I had been going out casually with girls, mostly through common classes and such groups. I was not serious with anyone. When she came back, she grabbed my hand and pulled me back into a corner of the restaurant.

“Why haven’t you called me? I gave you my phone number and I wanted to get together with you to re-live old high school memories.”

I could not come up with a response so I just stuttered out some lame excuses of being busy, studying, etc. She wasn’t buying any of it either. But she did keep probing.

“You are involved with someone?”


“Then what’s the problem with getting together?”

“I just don’t think I could stand the casual encounter after having been apart for so long.”

“Really?” “Are you bitter about us breaking up in high school?”

“Well, yes.”

“Why? You seemed like you did not want to continue our relationship.”

At that point, I was running out of things to say. She was pressing me about my continued reluctance to re-kindle our romance. I turned red and finally told her about how I had really fallen for her in high school. Then I told her about seeing her parking with one of the athletic studs while we were supposed to be dating.

Now Traci was on the defensive. She first tried to deny it. She told me that she was very into me then and could not understand why I had lost interest. She did finally admit that indeed it was her in that car, but she had no idea that I had been in the car that interrupted them.

Traci said, “I am so sorry. I would not have done that to you, but I just kept having the same urges and I felt that I needed to get wild every so often. It was not that I didn’t have strong feelings for you, I just felt like our relationship was solid and you wanted a really pure and moral girlfriend. Also, you never did anything but kiss me and neck a little.”

She was sure that I had been a virgin. This, of course was true. I was rather insecure about the size of my cock. It is very thin and even when erect, it is only about four and a half inches long. At most. I was successful in keeping that fact to myself. I was very studious and straight laced in high school and of course sexually inexperienced. I did not have any brothers or even sisters for that matter. I was not overly impressed with guys’ cocks in the showers as most athletic showers were cold anyway and after physical exertion, most guys cocks are shrunken.

I finally promised to call Traci later in the week to go to dinner together. The night we met for dinner, she was dressed in shorts and a feminine top. She was casual, but I noticed that her makeup was perfect, her clothes were perfect and her brunette hair was perfect. We ate and talked about our high school friends and generally had a pleasant date. When I took her back to her apartment, I walked her to the door. She hugged me and kissed me firmly on the mouth.

I left excited, but uncertain. However, this did start up our relationship again. I began to lose some of my inhibitions and also became more comfortable with Traci. As the physical part of our relationship grew, I began wondering if she wanted me to make a move on her sexually. I was still a little conflicted, but she was so pretty and so smart that I slowly fell in love with her again.

After a few more dates, she began to press the issue. One night in my room, she began to rub my head and in a while she guided my face to her bosom. She pulled me tightly to her breasts. I could feel the firm definition of her D cup breasts under her thin sexy bra. Her shirt had small buttons all the way down. She started unbuttoning them and pulled the shirt to her sides revealing her magnificent breasts under the lacy bra. She reached around behind her back, removed the bra and wrapped it around my neck. She pulled my mouth to her perfectly rounded breasts and forced her silver dollar sized areola and nipples into my mouth. She was really into this suckling and held her hand under first one and then the other breast as she encouraged me to keep sucking and licking.

I reached my hands to her full orbs and held them in my hands. Her nipples were now hard and the areolas were relaxed and excited making them seem bigger than when we had started. She moaned as she stuffed her nipples into my waiting mouth. She encouraged me to fondle and suck her even more.

Traci then moved her hands down to my jeans and began massaging my legs and up to my crotch. I felt my blood go cold. I did not know what to do. She unfastened my belt and jeans. She quickly shed her shorts and panties. Her pussy was shaved and velvety smooth. She guided my fingers into her soft folds and I felt the slick lubrication. This was the first time I had ever sunk my fingers into a girl’s pussy. I was excited, but afraid. She removed my underwear and lay back on the bed, spreading her legs. She assumed that I knew what I was doing. She held my little cock and began to guide me to her dripping pussy. Just as she got me to the entrance, I exploded drenching her pussy and stomach with my warm creamy load. I was so embarrassed.

I began to apologize. She laughed and told me not to worry about it. It was obvious to her now that I was a twenty year old virgin. She took my hand and placed it on her wrist. She lay back on the bed and closed her eyes. She used her other hand to keep me engaged to her hand and began fingering her pussy. She had me hold her hand while she finger fucked her own pussy and flicked her engorged clitoris. Then she let out a massive groan and tensed up as she had a shuddering orgasm.

As she started coming back from her flushed state, she said, “Thanks, Terry, I needed that, and don’t worry about premature ejaculation. It happens to most everyone at first. Next time, we will go at it a little differently.

I walked her back to her room after that. I was experiencing a mixture of elation, embarrassment and excitement. Back at her room, she kissed me very soulfully and thanked me again for helping her to get off. On my way back to my room, I was somewhat elated by the fact that she had seen and handled my cock without ever making a comment that I was small.

That weekend, we consummated our sexual relationship. Traci invited me to her room. When I got there, she answered the door in a housecoat and house shoes. She immediately guided me back to her bedroom. Upon entering and locking the door, she shed the housecoat and shoes. She was wearing a stunningly small baby doll nightie with thigh high hosiery. Her magnificent breasts shone through the amazingly sheer nightie top. They seemed aroused and even bigger than I remembered. They seemed to jut forward into an erect cone shaped with her beautiful large areolas puffy and topped by the hardest of nipples. Her little panty was just as sheer and I could make out the lustrous shine of her lubricating pussy. She was the most gorgeous woman that I have ever seen.

Traci immediately began to undress me. She soon had me naked with my four and a half inch cock poking out hard and excited. She dropped to her knees on a pillow and took my little cock deep into her mouth. She engulfed my entire member and managed to lick the underside of my balls at the same time. She bathed my cock and balls with her endless supply of saliva. She stopped to tell me only how good my cock tasted. My pubic hair became drenched in her saliva. I did not see how taking my whole cock, balls and part of my pubes would excite her. She managed to rub her moistened slit in between. When I could stand no more, I told her that I was about to cum. She began swirling her tongue on the glans and sucking me deeper into her mouth.

I suddenly erupted down her throat. She grabbed both my ass cheeks with her hands and pulled me closer. She swallowed every last bit of my considerable load. Even though my cock was small, I still was blessed with a very heavy cum ejaculation. This always had proved a little unhandy when I masturbated, for I frequently sent cum flying around the room and dripping everywhere. I usually had a towel to catch my load, but sometimes I jacked off and let it fly. I could ejaculate with enough pressure to shoot all over my hair and face if I pointed it up. I had never tasted my cum, but I had no problem wiping it off my face.

She let me rest on her bed while she kissed me. She straddled me and lifted her sheer nightie up just enough to let those beautiful breasts to fall on my face and mouth. She fed me one nipple and then the other over and over. She leaned down and pushed her breasts together and engulfed my full face in her ample bosom.

In a short while, Traci took off her panties and lay down on the bed inviting me on top. She guided my little cock into her moist, waiting pussy and we fucked with reckless abandon. The only thing that stopped me was my cock kept sliding out. She would guide me back in and tell me to pound her hot pussy. I lasted much longer than I expected. I finally shot my second cum load in the last thirty minutes. I did not know it then but Traci did not cum on my cock. She waited for a while and then guided my fingers to her slick pussy and helped me hand fuck her until she came with a shudder and moan.

We had sex like this for about two months. One night after sex, she said that she wanted to tell me about our unfortunate high school breakup. She explained that she felt like she could not explore her sexual desires with me because I was a virgin and we were so close friends. She said that some older high school studs and even some college guys were always hitting on her. Eventually she succumbed to the pressure and went out with them. The first guy who got her alone tried everything he could to get in her pants. She was tempted, but wanted to resist because of our relationship. However, as time went by and she was becoming more sexually aroused, she let some of her dates feel her up.

She said that she was really turned on sexually, but did not want to have sex. As the fondling got more intense and she became more tempted, she was afraid that eventually she would give in to the pressure and let one of the big athletic studs fuck her. She said that she was sexually aroused by these hunks, but not emotionally involved with them. She thought they were all horny jocks who just wanted to fuck her.

One of her cousins and she talked on the phone regularly. The cousin was a few years older and Traci shared her plight. Her cousin sympathized with her and also told her she had better be careful not to be labeled as a “prick tease”. It really surprised her when the cousin told her that she better give in or at least give them good blow jobs. Traci had never thought of that and was at first repulsed. The cousin told her that when the guys were getting off, it did not matter whether she was letting them fuck her pussy or mouth.

She said that eventually one guy had turned her on so much that she decided to try it. She lovingly explained that she was afraid of getting pregnant, but that she was willing to suck him off. He pulled his pants and underwear down on the spot and she had her first cock in her mouth. Traci said that she loved the sensation of the hard, yet soft texture of the big cocks in her mouth. At first she would take the cock out when the guy was about to cum and let it fly. Eventually she learned to take the full load in her mouth and then spit it out.

By her sophomore year in college, she was getting a reputation of the campus blow job queen. She said that was one of the reasons she wanted to transfer to a bigger school. The small liberal arts college was like a gossip circle and she was still oriented to being successful in school and after. Also by then she really learned to love cocksucking in its own way. By then she was swallowing the entire cum load and loved the taste and texture so much that she preferred it to vaginal sex. She said that the fear of pregnancy kept her from enjoying it to the fullest potential.

After this revelation, she asked if I was going to break it off with her again. I was put off by this, but also had a strange erotic sensation to hearing the story. I did not know where that left us, but I did know that she was gorgeous and had some very hot pussy. I was in a conundrum for weeks trying to decide what to do. Eventually I decided to do nothing. I just kept seeing her and getting blow jobs, fucking her some and helping her get off with our hands.

Then one night I worked up the courage to talk about female orgasm. I was afraid to bring it up, but eventually we had to face the elephant in the room. I saw plenty of evidence that she was multi-orgasmic, but also knew I could not bring her to orgasm with my cock. I finally asked if any of the studs she had dated had made her cum vaginally.

She asked, “Are you sure you want to know that?”

I was sure what the answer was then, so I asked if they all had made her cum. She said that the answer was mostly yes.

Then the fatal question. “How does my cock compare to the ones you have had?”

Same answer. “Are you sure you really want to know?”

“Yes, now I need to know.”

“Well, your cock is cute, Terry.”



“But what about size. How do I compare to your sexy lovers? How many were bigger than me?”

“Oh. Terry just drop the subject. I said your cock was cute. Let it go.”

“No, I want to know how many were bigger than me.”

“OK, all of them. Now are you happy. I swear I do not want to hurt your feelings. Our relationship is not based on sex. I wanted to show you how much I love you by having sex with you. You are my best friend and I do not want to mess this up.”

“Well, if I can’t satisfy you sexually, what kind of relationship can it be?

“Terry, a solid relationship based on love and friendship. There is more to intimacy than sex. You need to learn that. I did not love any of the guys I had sex with, but the sex was good. It is so hard to explain.”

I thought about this conversation for days afterward. It was hard to concentrate on my classes. Traci called me each day and tried to buoy my spirits. I had to make a decision. Either I would break our relationship off again, or I would not. When I looked at the full picture I was not willing to lose her. So with that question out of the way, I needed to decide how I could accommodate her revelation and move on. She was pressing the relationship from the time she came back to the local university. She admitted that I was the main reason that she had come back. She had talked to some of my high school friends and they had seemed to indicate that I would be receptive if she approached me.

We talked at length about our relationship and also our sexual relationship. I wanted assurance that she would not cheat on me. I was, however, still conflicted about my arousal when she had described having sex with the men she had. I often thought about her sucking a big cock. I could not get her to tell me the actual size of some of her sexual partners’ cocks. She kept changing the subject.

We continued on this way until graduation. I was not aware of any other sexual relationships while we were together, but I also did not ask her any more questions. I was somewhat afraid of the answer. Even though she continued to have orgasms through masturbation or me fingering her pussy, I wondered if she still wanted some big cock.

After graduation, we both went to work for a major chemical company using our degrees in Chemistry. We continued our relationship and I was somewhat surprised when Traci started dropping hints about getting married. I was afraid to respond. I feared that she would eventually get tired of my little cock and find someone else. She kept assuring me that this was not the case and we were so compatible in every way.

A year out of college, we did get married and began a new life together. About six months after we married, we began to explore the possibility of starting our own chemical supply business. We had the technical knowledge and were both natural sales people. Traci was especially talented with clients. I did not hurt that she was so beautiful in addition to being so smart.

We did start the business and slowly built our facility and business to a manageable size. We had twenty people employed in manufacturing and delivery. After two years, we hired two outside sales people to take some of the load off us. Next came a plant manager and office staff. We were growing and prospering. Our hard work and training was paying off and business was good.

Sex had been on the back burner for a few years with us becoming very predictable and uninspired. As we started delegating some of our duties to others, we began to enjoy time off and vacations. These getaways had the effect of revitalizing our sex life. She kept getting more beautiful every time I looked at her.

On one trip, we did some hiking in the mountains and stayed in an isolated mountain cabin. The maids came by every other day and the caretaker dropped by occasionally. Otherwise we were alone. We fished, hiked, rode trail bikes and had a great time. We made love every night. One night after sex, we started reminiscing about the start of our sexual relationship. She usually did not want to bring up old sexual partners and seemed to change the subject whenever I alluded to the topic.

As I continued cuddling and talking about how she had actually initiated sex our first time, she became more interested about why I was bringing it up. Since I was the one who had basically terminated our relationship in high school, she admitted that she had to take matters into her own hands so to speak. I mentioned that it took some soul searching for me to give in and enjoy the sex while having been hurt. Then I explained that once our real relationship had gotten stronger, I looked back to her revelation as not being a deal breaker.

Traci rose up on her knees and looked me in the eye by the light of the fireplace and asked me to elaborate on that. She seemed more interested in my statement than I had expected. I could not explain exactly. She asked if I became excited about it now when I thought of it. I told her that sometimes my cock got hard when I thought about her sucking a big cock. Afterward I would be ashamed of myself. I was still aware of the sexual partners, but I was not angry when I thought about it.

Traci got a small gleam in her eyes and said, “Why Terry, you pervert, you mean you get off to your wife being sexually satisfied?”

“Well, kind of, I don’t know. It is so exotic and taboo to think like that.”

She said, “I don’t know what is taboo about men and women having sex is. It is only taboo because of anal retentive hypocrites saying it is taboo.”

“You need to clean out your brainwashing and learn to live life. You need to accept that we are strong together and love each other.”

“And stop talking like your spinster aunt or someone and join the party called life.”

Her words stunned me. I was indeed hung up on labels like: Adultery. Sexual Deviation. Taboo. Unnatural. Irresponsible.

I saw myself for what I had been trained to be.

That was the watershed moment of our relationship. Traci coming out like that and blasting me for my Victorian attitudes was only the tip of the iceberg. I found out later that she had been sexually frustrated for some time. My tight ass attitude had just finally been enough to get her to get some of her frustration off her chest. The actual ice breaker had been when I admitted to being aroused while thinking about her sucking and fucking large cocks.

Now that the lid was somewhat ajar, Traci was going to loosen up in order to get me to loosen up. Shortly after this conversation, we were cuddling in bed again after sex. She asked me if I had given any thought to what she had said. I assured her that I understood and was trying to be a little less inhibited. I admitted that my feelings of inadequacies kept me from getting too loose.

Traci said, “Well, I am glad you acknowledge your inadequacies, but it is not your small cock that is the problem. It is how you project your feelings onto everyone else. Lots of me have small cocks. You are just unwilling to try new things. For instance, I have always sucked your cock and you enjoy it. One would think that by now you would think to return the favor. All I get out of you is a hand job.”

I answered, “Well if you wanted me to perform oral sex on you, why haven’t you said so before now?”

She answered, “That’s just it Terry, why don’t you think of these things on your own and take charge?”

“I am uncertain about my abilities.”

“OK, fine, I am glad we had this talk. Now that I see that you really want me to take charge. That is all I needed to hear. From now on, you are going to be my sex student. Not a sex slave by any means, but a student in training. I am going to instruct you to do certain things and you are going to do them. Do you understand?”

I agreed. What else could I do when the woman I love came right out and told me that I had some work to do? So the very next night Traci got dressed in her frilly nightie and told me to come to bed. She lay down on the bed and spread her legs and told me to suck her pussy until she came. I was very awkward to begin with. Her pussy was surprisingly sweet tasting. I kissed her vaginal lips and tentatively licked the slick folds until she began moaning. She wrapped her hands around my neck and gently guided my face closer. She began moving her hips in a circular motion while firmly pulling my face to her dripping sex.

She definitely was a superb instructor. She led me to the place where she was getting wetter and wetter. She was gyrating her hips faster and faster until she screamed and wrapped her legs around my head. I thought I would suffocate until she finally relaxed her orgasm racked leg muscles. She then pulled me up to her mouth and began kissing and French kissing me. I was stunned that she would kiss me on the lips after I had just sucked her pussy.

After this, she sucked my cock and grumbled about my wiry pubic hair. I came in her mouth and then we fucked missionary style. I came very little. We lay side by side and she guided my fingers to her slick pussy. I had not cum much the second time, but it was enough to mix with her juices and flow from her pussy. She kept humping my hand until she came again. She grabbed my hand and held it firmly to her hot sex. When she relaxed, she guided my hand to her lips and licked my finger. The she surprised me by kissing me deeply and sharing her saliva with me. I could taste the unmistakable scent of cum.

The next time we made love, she had me lick her pussy at first. Then she pulled me up and guided me into her slick pussy. I fucked her soundly with my little cock and shot my heavy load into her. Almost immediately she said, “Now get down there and suck me off.”

I was appalled. She was making me taste my fresh cum from her pussy. I hesitated.

She said, “I told you to get down there and satisfy my pussy.”

I hesitated again. Bad mistake.

She grabbed her pussy, rolled on top and moved up to my face. I was shocked. She planted her pussy lips on my mouth and started berating me while she ground out her first orgasm.

“I told you that you were my sex student. If you hesitate again, I will kick your ass. When I tell you to suck my pussy, you better damn well do it. Now shove you tongue up my cunt and you better hope it gets deeper than that little dicklette of yours.”

I was taken aback by her aggressive attitude and of course being made to eat my own cum. I was also incredibly excited at being dominated like this. It was no doubt that while we had a very loving relationship; she was now in charge of sex. This was going to take some reflection after were finished having sex. However, at that moment all I was to her was a sex toy for her pleasure.


The End.




  • Lloyd Baker

    I hope there are many more installments.

  • lloyd_baker

    Here is a similar experience I had:

    I always feel somewhat inadequate on the basis of size and / or potency when fucking women and/or getting sucked for either man or woman.  When fucking, I would often feel like I was just working out the vaginal lips and not really penetrating though I would ride high ant try to stimulate clit/g-spot, etc.

    An experience that sticks in my mind was when, after fucking a woman as vigorously as possible and thinking I was getting her off, she asked me to “go down on her” so “she could come too.”  I did so, consuming my own cum along with her juices.  I found her over-sized clit and massive orgasms wonderfully satisfying and humiliating at the same time.  Though we’d been having regular “penetrative” sex for months, we never fucked again. She’d just open her legs and I go for it.  Then, she would sit on my face.  No doubt, she took pleasure in humiliating me, never again allowing penetrative sex and totally ignoring my dick.

    I would either jack off while she sat on my face, or later when she tired and fell asleep.  Honestly, we both enjoyed it more that way.  Eventually, she told me to jack off only after she was fully satisfied, preferably out of her sight into the bathroom toilet.

  • Continue please. Story leads right in the next chapter

  • Lloyd Baker

    >>>I encountered the problem of full hot pussy expansion and lubrication leaving
    my dick feeling like a little spoon stirring a giant pot of hot honey.  Losing the
    feeling of friction and resistance I could go on and on in that situation without
    orgasm which was appreciated to an extent, but I didn’t have the size to get the woman
    over the hump from there to orgasm.   Only with that waitress was I able to feel like I
    did the job with my dick.>>>>>

    Looking back to my very first sex experience, I realize, contrary to my confusion at
    the time, I encountered the same problem.

    An unusual homely girl (also 6’2″) in college was always throwing herself at me.  I had scarcely
    dated at the time, but really had no sexual interest in her at all.  Further, I heard from her
    room mates that she was very promiscuous and would fuck any guy that asked. 

    Finally, she begged me to take her to a particular party and I gave-in.  We both got very
    drunk and returned to her apartment and I had penetrative sex for the first time.  She
    had enough presence of mind to tell me to be careful as she had stopped taking
    birth control for some reason.  We barely kissed and got naked before I was fucking
    her.  I was shocked at how sloppy wet and big her pussy was and thought it was
    because she was a “slut” as I had heard.  Now, I can understand she was just fully
    aroused from the outset because she thought I was a “prize.”

    I thought I was a real stud as we fucked a very long time, holding back orgasm with
    no trouble.  I thought she was orgasming, but now I see she was just enjoying, smiling
    broadly and purring.  Actually, I never orgasmed until I masturbated in the dorm bathroom
    stall before flopping into bed.

    We met the next evening at a Chinese Restaurant as she was worried she was going to
    get pregnant, not being able to remember if I came inside her through the drunken haze!
    Meanwhile, I was embarrassed I had allowed my first time to be wasted on someone I didn’t like
    respect, or even find attractive.

    After I assured her I didn’t cum inside her, she embarrassed me by saying something like:
    “That was your first time, wasn’t it?”

    Then, she eagerly expounded about how we needed to get together without being drunk
    and explore sex together, trying different positions and stuff that would really be fun and more
    satisfying.  I started to realize she was “complaining” about my performance and my unconscious
    defenses rose, reminding me how unattractive she was and what a slut she was, probably
    a disease risk with all those guys fucking her.  I turned her down when she asked me
    to return with her to her apartment, claiming some excuse.  She almost begged and even
    said she’d let me cum in her mouth or on her tits until she was back on the pill.

    I clearly remember her getting a little testy, probably hurt and not believing my excuse.
    We tried to talk about politics or the weather as we finished eating, but there was a lot of
    tension between us.  I guess I was rejecting her and she knew it.

    Finally, she got a mischievous grin on her face and said the Chinese egg rolls reminded her
    of my penis.  Not until many decades later did I realize she was referring to how short my stubby
    dick was.  The egg rolls were probably 3-4″ long, but thick.  Kinda like my dick which actually
    wasn’t even the 4.5 it finally grew to. . .   My unconscious defenses were so strong that
    I never got the point consciously and simply thought about how slutty she was to think about dicks
    while eating dinner!  And I kept thinking about what a turn-off was her “big wet nasty” slutty cunt.

    But, at some level, I knew or feared I was inadequate sexually.  Then, I spent decades trying
    to prove I wasn’t. No accident that I tended to end-up sucking pussy in each relationship.


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