True Story: House Sitting One Summer
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The Micropenis Story – by blevins
This is a story about two guys with really small penises. All the names have been changed to protect the innocent as well as the two guys with small penises and no shame. I can’t remember if this happened in the summer of 1999 or 2000, but that doesn’t really matter much. It happened a while ago.
I was friends with two girls – Julia and Carrie – who were best friends. Julia was house-sitting for family friends that summer. Carrie was dating a guy named Matt, and Matt was friends with John. Let me tell you a couple things about John. 1) John was a big fan of GWAR. Like HUGE. I saw a GWAR movie one time because he threw a shitfit saying we all had to watch it. We probably didn’t have to watch it. 2) John was a Juggalo. Not a painted face, “how the fuck do magnets work?” Juggalo, but he was a huge fan. He would pay people to ship him Faygo soda, and he saw Insane Clown Posse live 3 or 4 times. I saw him angrily yell, punch a wall, and then shed a couple tears because he couldn’t get a CD single of the ICP song “Santa Claus Is a Fat Bitch.” I’m not joking.
Anyway, all summer long Julia would invite people over to the house every evening to hang out, drink, and swim in the pool, whatever. One night I went over to the house and everyone was swimming in the pool, and apparently everyone brought a swimsuit or trunks. Personally, I’m not a fan of swimming, so I sat poolside while everyone else swam. And when John got out of the pool, I saw everyone brought swimming attire except for him. He was about 7 or 8 feet away from me, so I saw everything in great detail… what little there was to see at least. Putting it bluntly, John had a small penis. A really small penis. Freakishly small. Take a look at the tip of your thumb – somewhere between that and an acorn is the ballpark.
Once the shock of seeing John’s incomprehensibly small penis wore off, as he reached for a towel, I asked him, “Is the water cold?”
Without hesitation, he said, “No, why?”
All I could respond with was, “Really? Not cold at all?”
He didn’t understand why I was asking about the water temperature. He just looked at me, shrugged, and walked inside the house. I turned and looked at everyone else still in the pool, but nobody was laughing. I was absolutely stunned and began asking myself if nobody else noticed that his penis was maybe bigger than an acorn. When John came back out of the house, nobody said anything. I was gobsmacked. I mean there weren’t even any side-eyed glances. Absolutely ridiculous stuff.
John and some of the others wanted me to swim with them. As I already told you, I am not a big fan of swimming, so I declined. Not wanting to take no for an answer, John got really insistent that I swim with the group. It got to the point where John got out of the pool and ran at me – while completely naked – to try pushing me into the pool. It was at that moment I found myself at a crossroads – do I laugh or do I punch him? I punched him. Right on the jaw. As you can probably imagine, John was (I say unjustifiably) angry with me for punching him, and he demanded to know why I did it.
I just said, “That’s how I respond to naked men running at me unsolicited,” and everyone there – even John – could agree that was a pretty reasonable response.
As the summer wore on, John continued to swim naked, and I continued to not understand why. About halfway through the summer, John’s friend Mike came to visit. Mike was from John’s hometown in New England – I think somewhere in Rhode Island. One night I headed over to the house Julia was housesitting, and I found out Mike also liked to swim naked. When Mike and John both hopped out of the pool at the same time, I immediately realized why John didn’t think there was anything abnormal about his thumb-tip sized penis. Mike was sporting the same thing, only maybe marginally smaller. Allow me to illustrate how small their penises were – their pubic hair stuck out further than their penises.
And to this day I am still absolutely floored that nobody said anything to either of them. Nothing. NOBODY ELSE IN THE GROUP SAID ANYTHING AT ALL! I mean both of these guys were regularly talking about all the sex they were having, so they were either lying or I feel sorry for their partners. As the summer progressed – and my befuddlement grew – everyone else seemed to grow comfortable with John and Mike walking around naked. People got so comfortable, in fact, that soon I was the only person wearing any clothing (I continued to sit poolside since I just don’t like swimming). The weird thing about it was, even though everyone was swimming naked, only John and Mike would walk around naked outside the pool.
One night when I got to the house, a pizza delivery car came tearing out of the driveway. I drove up to the house, parked my car, and walked around back to the pool where I heard everyone hanging out. When I walked back there, I saw I was the only person at the house wearing any clothing, and I asked why the pizza delivery person took off out of the driveway like that.
It turns out that John and Mike ordered pizza and thought it would be the funniest thing in the world to answer the door completely naked, but they didn’t think it was funny that they were showing their very tiny penises off to yet another person. Strange stuff. According to the two of them, they opened the door, the pizza delivery guy dropped the pizza, ran to his car, and took off, and that’s when I happened to show up. Lucky me, right?
I guess having spent the entire summer up to that moment not pointing and laughing at the absurdity of the entire situation made me snap. I said it was pretty damn messed up that they did that because – in addition to that being creepy, perverted, and sadly lacking in self-awareness – the delivery guy was probably going to tell his manager about what happened. Meaning Julia would have to explain to the homeowners, upon their return, why they were blacklisted from the nearest pizza place (which was a Papa John’s, so no real loss).
I then asked if anybody considered for a moment that the manager of the pizza place might call the police, and everyone started laughing and told me to calm down. Just then the phone rang. It was the manager calling to tell Julia he had placed the house on the ‘do not deliver’ list, and he said he had called the cops. Everyone in the pool – all completely naked – came out of the pool so they could get dressed and take off. As they were running to their clothes, I shouted, “And you guys all have small dicks!”
Then I pointed and growled at John and Mike, and said, “Especially you two!”
After that, I hopped in my car and left, and I didn’t go back to the house for a couple days.
A few nights later I went over to the house to help Julia clean up. The homeowners were going to be returning the following day, and everyone had trashed the place the night before during a party. While we were cleaning, she told me she hooked up with John. I was simultaneously stunned and appalled. I asked her “HOW?!”
She asked me why I was mad about it, and I replied, “I’m not mad, I just don’t understand how. I mean the mechanics of it all! How did it work? His dick is just so small.”
Julia said, “It wasn’t that small,” then she paused. “Okay, it was really small. I don’t know how it happened, but it did.”