Save the Teeny Weenies!
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In this modern age of rapidly proliferating, and ever more effective penis enhancing pills, little penises are fast on their way to becoming an endangered species. And, although it’s my understanding that right now, at least, those extraordinary claims for making penises grow a whole lot bigger are greatly exaggerated, the fact remains that a man can now increase his penis’s size by a significant amount.
But, with pharmaceutical progress moving as fast as it does, and with most of the researchers probably being quite desperate to become big penis owners themselves, how long will it be I ask you, until those “add up to three inches” ads, will be true?
And then, I have to ask you, what will be next after that? Will men, one day soon, actually be able to double or triple the size of their penises?
It was only after happening to see that shocking late night infomercial with that poor, uncomfortable and wimpy looking guy talking to those three, shameless little, big-cock craving sluts. And, then hearing my own boyfriend ask me if I thought he should try one of those products, that the grim and frightening implications of it all began to sink in.
At first I wasn’t quite sure of what I actually thought about penis pills myself, and didn’t see the terrible global implications of it all. But then, after finding myself unable to sleep, and continuing to ponder it, I suddenly saw it just as clearly as I saw the dangers of nuclear proliferation: Penis pills represented the dawn of a terrifying new age.
Forget about saving the planet. The planet isn’t going to be worth saving girls, if we don’t do something about our own impending doom first.
And, that is why I’ve decided that I can’t just stand by and do nothing about it any longer. Something needs to be done, and it needs to be done fast, and that’s why I’ve decided to start a campaign, to SAVE THE TEENY WEENIES!
Yes, there are going to be “Save the Teeny Weenies!” T-shirts, and bumper stickers, and buttons, and caps. And, maybe even some of those sweat pants with it written across the fanny. Please let me know if you have any ideas too, because we’ve got to get the word out, our very lives may depend on it!
* * *
What? You don’t yet understand the dire crisis that a girl’s entire dating world, and your own love life is already on the verge of being in? Okay, let me explain:
First you need to understand that every man wants a bigger penis. No, dare I say the truth is that every man is completely obsessed with having a bigger penis. I don’t care if its three inches or thirteen inches long already. He wants it to be even bigger!
Men aren’t like women with their breasts, where yes, some may want to make them a little bit bigger or better shaped, and a very small minority wants to make them really huge like Pamela Anderson’s. (When have you ever heard of a man wanting to get a penis reduction?) I, for example, am perfectly happy wearing my little A-cup bra, in spite of the fact that I know most of my past boyfriends had wished they’d been bigger.
No, guys are quite different with their penises. Given the chance, the vast majority of men would like to make their penises as big and monstrous as they possibly could be, even to the point of freakishness and not being able to fit into any mouth or other orifice of a girl’s body.
You see, I discovered that men’s giant penis obsession actually doesn’t have anything to do with sex at all, believe it or not, it’s all about the frightening, gasping and screaming effect that they dream to achieve. And, ladies, be warned that the day when it’s possible for them to achieve this dream is rapidly approaching.
Beginning to see what I’m so panicked about? Well, this is only the tip of the iceberg. And, although an apocalyptic horror world, that could well be called “Night of the Living Killer Cocks”, is surely the ultimate nightmarish end for humanity if we don’t do something to act, that, however, could still be many decades away.
So, let’s therefore turn our attention to just what could happen within the next few years or so, as penises continue to grow bigger and bigger, and as what we now so affectionately and giddily know as teeny weenies begin to all but disappear.
* * *
At first, the declining number of little penises will seem so gradual and slow that hardly anyone will notice, or even care.
Some girls (like those in that TV ad) will even encourage their boyfriends to grow their members bigger, and contribute to their slow demise, oblivious to the global catastrophe that they’re helping to hasten.
Yes, some of those brainless bimbos may even feel proud of their boyfriend’s newly grown big organs and brag about them too, at least until they begin to hurt that is, but by then, it will be too late… For most, it will seem like it happened almost overnight.
It will be a sad world, in which no girl will ever have the delightful experience of being able to giggle or flash a smile at an adorably cute, and hilariously little one. And, never experience watching one jump and salute her in that excitable, and “so happy to see you way,” in which the little ones do.
It will be world in which girls no longer need to constantly reassure men that size really doesn’t matter, and a world in which all men have become cocky, and obnoxiously boastful about their organ’s size. It will be an increasingly scary world, as little penises become big penises and big penises become truly monstrous, and beyond the point of being sexually enjoyable without the use of vicodin and enormous amounts of lubricant.
Are you beginning now to see the catastrophic calamity that is facing all of womankind? And why we need to do something before it’s too late!
If this isn’t enough to already make you want to join my cause, then please take a minute to think about the poor little penises themselves. What do they really have to say about being made to grow bigger than nature had intended them to be? And how do we know that that’s what they really want?
Okay, now just try to imagine a world without any small or even average size penises, for one moment if you will. A world in which we will never have that wonderful sense of suspense about meeting a man’s member for the first time, or the chance to share teeny weenie encounter stories with our girlfriends, because we know that there are no small ones left anymore.
Now imagine the last teeny weenie on earth. It probably belongs to an Eskimo, he’s just gotten a laptop and discovered the Internet, he learns about penis enhancement pills and immediately hitches up his dog sled and races off to the nearest drug store to turn the last teeny weenie on earth into a ten inch monster. Think it can’t ever happen, well you’d better think again.
Is this the kind of world that you would want to live in? Because, I assure you that the day is coming, and sooner than you may want to believe.
* * *
Let me just say for the record that I love little penises, and that my boyfriend has a rather little one right now. (Sorry Josh, but I’m sure that no one you know will ever read this.)
Men have no idea, and refuse to believe that for most girls, size really and truly doesn’t matter. Or, that some girls, especially after they’ve reached their mid to late twenties (and, perhaps, gotten a few well hung studs out of their system), actually come to much prefer little penises, like myself.
Well, okay, as I remember the penises that I’ve known, it’s the ones that were either very big or very small that I enjoyed the most, while the average size ones always seemed a bit, well, boring.
Some of us have a little penis in our lives that we love so much. And, girls who have been little penis “owners” know that in addition to being so adorably cute, that they also have very different personalities from both the average and big size ones. They’re more responsive, more affectionate and devoted, and somehow you just really come to think of them so much more as your own.
We love how eager they are to please us, how they’re always happy to greet us and, also, how easy it is to please them.
Those who have had relationships with really big ones know how physically demanding they can be, and how a girl can grow tired of having her jaw always feel like she’s had a root canal every time after sucking one. After giving such challenging head, a girl’s mouth can feel like it’s on a well-earned vacation with a little one.
You can swallow them whole, and treat them like candy canes. You can suck them so casually, and even multitask and do things like reading on his stomach, or texting and talking on the phone while sucking them. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that they’re even in your mouth.
Yes, little penises are wonderful things, and the last thing that I want is to see “my” teeny weenie turned into some unruly, ill-behaved monster that just wants to gag me, and give me messy facials! And that’s why I’m absolutely determined to see that they are protected, and kept from getting any bigger than they already are!
* * *
Okay, so back to my plan for saving the world, and, I think it’s quite an ingenious plan, even if I do say so myself. This will be the second phase of our campaign, and we’ll begin just as soon as we’ve really started to raise public awareness.
Obviously, our next move will need to be pursuing legislation. Yes, and the enactment of an Endangered Teeny Weenies bill! But, we can only hope to achieve this after we’ve gotten enough nationwide support from women and hopefully from some men also, to begin pressuring congress.
I figure that once everyone’s aware of the great danger, that we’ll be able to get the support of most females. But, only the support of between five and ten percent of those already very well endowed men to succeed, so it’s going to be close.
That’s why I think we’re really going to need to pressure and lobby congress to get this passed.
And, to that end, I think we will need a high profile female celebrity to endorse our cause, someone sexy who men and women both admire and will take seriously. We just don’t want some ditsie Paris Hilton type who everyone will see right through, as easy as it might be to enlist her help.
My first choice would have been Angelina Jolie. But, since she seems to be quite busy with all of her other causes, and probably has no idea of what a teeny weenie even is, I thought that perhaps someone like Natalie Portman would make a good spokeswoman for saving the teeny weenies.
I mean, come on, she must feel pretty lame trying to save the planet by just talking about light bulbs, and I think she might jump at the chance to be the face of an important new cause. She just has such a sweet smile too, and if she can do that crying thing in the middle of our public service announcement, I’m sure she could even help to convince more than a few teeny-weenie owners into helping us by beginning to save their own teeny weenies too.
But, in the event that this isn’t enough to succeed, and it might not be, then we may need to resort to more extreme measures. I had just the idea one-day recently, after seeing Code Pink in action on the news:
What if, I wondered, a group of strippers were to burst into the middle of some important congressional hearing, all wearing their Save the Teeny Weenies caps and buttons on their tank tops, and then began putting on a show and giving all of the Congressmen lap dances?
I mean, is there any doubt that enough of those old geezers, wouldn’t completely forget about whatever they’d been arguing over, and quickly move to pass bi-partisan legislation to save the teeny weenies within about three minutes? Yes, it may be a drastic thing to do, and we may even lose some of our supporters with such tactics, since it may cause more than a few heart attacks, but there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that it will succeed.
* * *
Okay, so I know you must be wondering just exactly what the nature of this Penis Enhancement Legislation will be, and don’t worry, I’ve given the matter a great deal of thought. I’m not a lawyer, but I think it should sound something like this:
“Small penises shall heretofore be designated as a protected species under the Endangered Teeny Weenies Act. Penises that measure less than the accepted Journal for Sex Research average of 6.21 inches in length, and 4.85 in circumference shall not be allowed to be grown any bigger by their owners, and doing so shall be deemed a crime.”
All males will be issued with a penis photo ID card, that states its dimensions, any curious distinguishing features, and whether or not it is on the protected Endangered Teeny Weenies list. This will be a universally accepted second form of ID, and anyone from a grocery store check out girl, to a curious waitress, or prospective female employer will be able to ask to see it.
And, then of course we will need to establish a federal Penis Regulatory Agency, with state and local offices to monitor penis size. Any male wishing to increase the size of his penis will have to bring it before a local Penis Inspection Office for examination and measurement in order to be approved, and I’m thinking that these penis inspection stations could easily be set up just like the DMV. Men will also need to get their penises inspected once a year, so as to help catch any penis enhancement offenders.
The penis inspectors will obviously need to be very attractive and sexy as a job qualification, and have enough training and expertise to provoke any man’s erection for measuring and verification purposes without any trouble.
It’s my thought that they should wear outfits along the lines of sexy police officer costumes, and be armed with lollipops in addition to their standard issue tape measurers and electronic calipers. (“Nope, it only measures 6.20 inches in length, sorry, but that’s a protected teeny weenie that you’ve got there sir…”)
* * *
Penis Enhancement and the Law: Enlargement Offenders. (Yes, I really got into this part…)
“Males who are caught illegally enlarging their penises, and especially enlarging those penises that are under the protection of the Endangered Teeny Weenies Act shall be punished.”
The question immediately arose as to how to punish offenders in a way that would be effective as a deterrent, but was still humane to the little penises in question.
Castration was the first thing that had leapt to my mind, just cut them off maybe? I wondered. But no, upon further thought I didn’t think that idea was exactly in keeping with a campaign that was supposed to be saving teeny weenies and besides, it seemed like it might be just a little too harsh on their owners.
But, I was convinced that there needed to be a serious penalty to discourage such a serious crime, and to avert the worldwide catastrophe that will surely occur if penis size isn’t strictly controlled.
The solution, it seemed to me, was that there needed to be some sort of penis shrinking drug developed which could be used on offenders, (as well as, perhaps, on men convicted of cheating on their girlfriends or wives, or perhaps even of falsely representing their penis’s true size).
“You illegally added two inches, now we’re going to take those two inches and another two inches away!” Yes, it was a nice idea in theory, and perhaps one day such a shrinking drug can be developed, but we really needed something more practical, that could be implemented right away.
And then, after many long hours of thought it suddenly came to me, and the answer seemed so obvious that I couldn’t believe I didn’t think of it before. Why, it was what I’d been trying to talk my boyfriend into letting me get him for Christmas and every other holiday for the last two years.
A male chastity device! That was the answer! Cock cages! Yes, convicted size offenders should have their penises taken away from them, and kept under lock and key!
But, who would hold the key? I immediately began wondering.
It certainly would be quite a lot of fun to be a girlfriend or wife and hold the key, I thought, as it was one of my favorite fantasies. But, no, I couldn’t think just about my own selfish amusement, if I was taking this whole thing seriously, those women should really be viewed as accomplices to the crime, and be deprived of regular access to the offender’s member as well.
A penis probation officer that was it! Why, we needed a Dominatrix Probation Officer, of course. She would hold the key, and unlock it once or twice a week for him to either masturbate, or to have sex with his partner.
I felt so pleased that I’d not only figured out the solution, but had actually found the occupation I’d enjoy, and the new place for myself in this grand new social system I’d envisioned. Even if it didn’t have an impressive title, and wasn’t a powerful political position that would have great pay, I knew that it was the kind of hands on job where I’d really enjoy going to work every day. I became so engrossed with the idea of becoming a Dominatrix Probation Officer that I wasn’t able to think about anything else, or plan for saving the teeny weenies again for many months. I just thanked god for having such a great boyfriend who was willing to indulge my fantasies with his by no means tiny, but still smaller than average penis, even if he was still rather reluctant to let me lock it up.
All right, so what about the actual penalties for penis enhancement offenders? I began to wonder, after my Dominatrix Probation Officer role-play binge was finally beginning to wane, and to seem like just another one of my somewhat kinky foreplay quirks.
Let’s say, as a general rule, that the offenders should be given a year in the cage for every inch that they have illegally increased it’s length. That seemed both quite fair and humane.
Of course, offenders who have members that are on the Endangered Teeny Weenies List would need to be made an example of, and be made to suffer more.
Hmm, I suppose that their pictures should really be posted somewhere, and clubs and bars seem like the most appropriate place. Perhaps they should have to attend weekly classes under the supervision of their Dominatrix Probation Officer, and masturbate before a group of giddy girls. I’m really still working on the matter of the actual penalties that should be involved, so please feel free to suggest anything that tickles your fancy.
I’m also still working on a name and a clever acronym for our movement, and would welcome your ideas.
* * *
What you can do now:
First, we’ve got to start convincing both our teeny weenie owner boyfriends, and our big cock spoiled girlfriends that little penises are really and truly the greatest things on earth. If you have a boyfriend with a small penis, be sure to praise it a lot, and try to discourage him from taking penis enhancement pills. Tell him that you love little penises and that you’d be afraid of one of those “big scary ones.”
Look, we’re never going to convince the world that big organs aren’t great, but we can begin convincing all of our girlfriends and boyfriends that little penises are just as great too. (Pooh poohing average penises should go a long way to discourage men from trying to grow their little ones bigger, at least until we can get our Penis Enhancement Laws passed.)
Then, buy a bumper sticker, and wear the sweatpants or other items when they become available. But, please wait until our web site is up and running, and only buy official “Save the Teeny Weenies” merchandise, otherwise the proceeds won’t go to actually saving the teeny weenies.
As you read this, there’s no doubt someone out there right now already turning out counterfeit “Save the Teeny Weenies” T-shirts, hoodies, and other things. It’s probably one of those naughty teeny weenie owners who thinks he can cash in, and grow his penis into a monster before our legislation gets passed. But, be assured that we’re going to catch all of you before you can imperil the world, and lock those illegally enlarged organs away!
I’ll keep you posted as to when the web site is up and running, and when these items become available.
Finally, I think we need to make a movie to really help spread the word, so if there are any documentary film makers out there who are interested in joining a new and important cause, please let me know. There may just be an Oscar or Nobel Prize in it for you.
But, we need to begin right now by starting to organize on college campuses, and to begin planning protest rallies and marches, so as to start getting on the news. Yes, we will need a great many Teeny Weenie activists, so if you are someone who already feels a burning passion to start helping to do something to save little penises, like myself, then please don’t wait. Contact me, and get involved before it’s too late!
Just remember that saving the teeny weenies and the world begins with you!
That was a hilarious story, simply loved it