Dickless

Heather lived in a shack. At least that’s how it appeared to me. Not that I’m a snob about such things; I didn’t mind. It was a rambler down by the river, with two bedrooms and one bath. Heather had three sisters, all younger, plus an unemployed uncle living with her and her mom. That’s a lot of flesh in a small space. I have no idea how they worked it. I pulled in behind her car as we arrived: I in my Mustang, she in her Beetle.

There was nowhere to park, so I had to stop partway on the grass. I watched her get out, and saw her ass sway as she trotted toward the front door. I followed, walking with a purpose. Every female of the family was home, including a friend for each of Heather’s sisters. They were 12, 14, and 16, the sisters. Each built like Heather and her mother, in varying stages of development. The mom was Heather after years of fighting with gravity. I can only imagine the crowds of men she’s been through, if she’s anything like her daughter. There definitely was a family look to the Sweatens.

“Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friend?”

“Ma, John. We’re going to my room. Tell Sherry, Aida, and Steph to butt out.”

Butt. That got my mind going.

“John, nice to meet you. Isn’t my daughter polite to introduce us?” Heather’s mom said to me, extending the hand that wasn’t dangling a cigarette.

“Nice to meet you, Mrs. Sweaten. Heather and I are going to talk college plans, if that’s alright.”

“College, sure…So proud of my Heather, and paying her way, too. Not that her father can be bothered to lift a finger to help.”

“Ma!”

“She never likes me to talk about him…I’m glad she brought you around. The other ones, that Adam and Rob, was it? Pete? Who can keep track. Daryl, who took her to prom, I never met at all. Can you believe it?”

“Ma, it’s not like that. We’re friends. John is smart, and he wants to help with college stuff for me.”

“Okay, you kids want a drink? I was making margaritas.”

“No thanks, Mrs. Sweaten.”

Heather pulled me down the hall. I was surprised she let it go on that long. I wasn’t accustomed to meeting parents, going into girls’ bedrooms. This was all new to me. Her room was messy and smelled of smoke, but who cares? I’m not here for a Better Homes and Gardens spread. She tells me to get on the bed. I do, as she peremptorily sheds her clothes. Wow, that was fast. I stared as she was left in a hot pink bra that scooped way down, barely covering her nipples, and black panties. She plopped down next to me.

“We have to be quick, before Sherry, Steph, and Aida get ideas. Wanna make out first?”

Oh, yeah. But she didn’t wait for an answer; her thin lips were on mine. My first serious, adult kiss, not counting the thank you kiss I got from Christine. Heather’s breath smelled sour, like stale smoke. I didn’t mind. Her armpits, I noticed, had five o’clock shadow. That’s kinda sexy. Her make-up was thick up close. Really thick, I mean, over pockmarked, patchy skin. She’s nowhere near Christine’s beauty, but she’s hotter than I deserve, I realize. Our teeth clicked and our noses bumped. I didn’t know what I’m doing, but it’s going okay. I felt warm in the pit of my stomach. My hands stayed at my sides, while she went directly for my package (such as it is).

She rubbed up and down. I was already hard, and had been since we got to her room. I better stop her, I thought, because I needed to be ready for the main event. She stopped herself before I had to, stood up, and pulled down her panties. Never got a great look at Christine’s, but here was Heather’s pussy in front of my face. She’s perfectly shaved. The aroma was much sweeter than her breath. Her inner lips, I noticed, were bigger than the outer. Meaty, you might say. I imagined sucking on them. But there’s no time. Heather was already preparing for what she brought me to do. The gel was out, and the condoms. She paused and looked my way.

“Well, whip it out, John. I wanna see if you’re as small as Chris said.”

I’m always lagging behind the ladies in getting undressed. Wrong End has lent them I higher libido than me. I took my pants and underwear off first, getting it out of the way. My little guy was sticking up, above my socks and under my t-shirt. She giggled.

“So cute. Lemme suck it for you.”

She got on her knees. This girl works fast; before I could think about this being yet another first, she had it in her mouth. Not as much suction as I had imagined. She sorta swished it around in her mouth. I didn’t feel much sensation, maybe because of all the vigorous jerking off I do. But I could get used to this. Before I did, she stood again.

“Okay, let’s get going before ma comes in with a cocktails or sumthin’.”

We continued with the standard precautions. A cover for me, lube for us both. I was confronted with a second girl on all fours waiting for me at the edge of a bed. We finally arrived at a place where I have experience. I did what I did with Christine, only this time found the hole right away. I had to get up real close, pushing her ample behind forward with my midsection. But I got in there. She squeaked when I popped past her ring. The void again. I was in there. Heather had less resistance than Christine, and she was more into it. Too into it, because I got nervous about her family overhearing. She’s all grunts, moans, and squeaks. I couldn’t tell how much she was enjoying herself, but it sounded mostly positive.

It occurred to me that I wasn’t going to see her melon-sized tits. She still had her bra on. I saw them undulating down there, like udders, back and forth. Her face was in a pillow, to stifle her sounds, and I noticed her long, gaudy nails digging into the pillowcase. Christine would never put on such trashy accessories. Thinking of Christine got me going faster. Once again, in no time the bubbling begins. I was going to cum in under two minutes. (I had been watching the digital clock on her nightstand.) I worried she was going to be disappointed. Then she said something surprising.

“Are you going to finish? Hurry up.”

That pushed me over the line. I wonder if her comment was due to the danger of interruption from her sisters or mother, or if she wasn’t enjoying herself. I didn’t have the chance to ask. She shot up and got dressed immediately. I followed suit, and though I wanted to shower she was already pushing me out the door.

“Thanks, hun. Tell Jeff I’ll see him next week.”

We blew past her family, out to my car. I felt cheap. Wham, bam, thank you, sir. She had said at the food court that’s how she wanted it. However beyond good and evil I now was (as I earlier fancied myself to be), I liked to observe social niceties. Her mom had been kind to me. (And hot.) I also cared about hygiene, but that would have to wait for home. No afterglow was fine, because Heather’s comment about Jeff put me on edge and made me want to get away from her Hours later, sitting on my bed at home with my laptop, I read a desperate email from Adam. He wanted to meet up to talk about something urgent. More triangle drama, I assumed. I wasn’t interested. But I wanted to get away from my sister and her insipid music.

She downloaded the Wrong End soundtrack, which is mostly techno-pop. Anything was better than overhearing that crap. I hopped into my car and headed over to Heather’s diner, which Adam picked of all places for our meet-up. You’d think he’d want to stay away from a woman scorned, but probably he’s hedging his bets and keeping Heather on his injured reserve, always ready to be called up for another go. When I arrived Adam was in a corner booth, sulking. He didn’t look very welcoming. Heather wasn’t in sight; her night off? At least I’d get a milkshake out of the trip. Adam dove right into it.

“It’s Jeff, man. He’s crazy. He read some of Christine’s texts, and I’m in there or whatever. We haven’t done anything, not since last time they broke up. But Jeff swears he’s gonna kill me.”

“What did you two talk about?”

“I don’t know, like, the usual.”

“You must have said something to set Jeff off.”

“I don’t know. It was nothing big, just talk. I think he’s pissed we were texting at all.”

“Come on, Adam. You brought me here for a reason. Tell me the deal.”

“Whatever, it’s what I told you. There’s nothing else, except we sent each other some pics.”

Now we were getting somewhere. “What pics?”

“You know, like her at the beach. She showed me some lingerie once, to show off what she bought. No big deal.”

“I can see how Jeff could think it was a big deal.”

“Dude, he’s over the top. Like a wife beater or something. He tracks every move she makes when they’re together. So what if I saw her in her underwear. We fucked, you know. Jeff knows that. This is nothing compared to that.”

“Ever think that’s why it’s such a big deal to Jeff? Because you’ve fucked, you might be fucking again.”

“So what? You fucked her. Jeff wants to fuck every fine girl he sees. What’s the difference?”

“Difference? I don’t know. Jeff is funny about Christine. But come off it. He doesn’t want his girlfriend/fuckbuddy doing his best friend behind his back. That’s, like, obvious shit ”

“Yeah, well, I might as well fuck her now. I haven’t got any for a while, and if he’s gonna blow up on me anyway…”

“Haven’t gotten any? What about Sarah?”

“She doesn’t count. I mean, she’s a backup. I haven’t gotten anyone like Chris in a long time.”

Bypassing that insult to my sister, I asked, “What do you want from me?”

“What?”

“You got me over here to get me to do something. What is it?”

“Oh, uh, If I could get Chris to go along with it, could we use your place? My place or hers, Jeff’d find us out, I know it.”

What the fuck? He wanted to bang Christine, girl of my dreams, in the same house where he bangs my sister. The very house where I did the same girl I did up the ass not long ago. How weird had my life become?

“I don’t know.”

“I’ll come through for you, dude. Word is spreading. Other chicks are looking to get Wrong Ended, and I could hook that shit up.”

So there it was. Another step closer to Johnny Buttfuck. Do the bidding of my socio-sexual superiors, and they deliver unto me willing, young asses. I could get used to this.

My sister was the biggest hurdle. How to get Sarah the homebody on the road so her fuck buddy could do the girl she was most jealous of in the world. I was at a loss. For a week I made nice, got friendly again, so that if I asked her a favor later she wouldn’t think it out of left field. We swam in the pool often. I got to see a lot of her chubby body. She had taken to wearing less and less around the house. Laying Adam apparently made her feel sexy and confident, or she wanted to tease me, knowing I spied on she and Adam fucking. She also constantly joked about my lack of size, most often with the phrase ‘baby dick’.

It’s humiliating, having your big sister know you don’t measure up as a man. Adam messaged me that things were good to go with Christine. Jeff had been on Christine’s case ever since he discovered her and Adam’s texts. She had enough of it. He never hit her, but he threw fits and broke things. Adam was there to comfort her, and she remembered their good times together. She loved Jeff, but she didn’t want to be with someone who made her feel afraid. That’s what Adam said, anyway. I didn’t reflexively believe him. In any case, he wanted to use my house ASAP. My parents were no problem; they had parties to go to. My sister had nowhere to go, as usual.

I had the bright idea to hook her up with Heather. We ate at Heather’s diner a few times. The two of them chatted and giggled with one another. They got along fine. Four big boobs, I thought to myself, though they hung better on Heather. I don’t say that because Sarah is blood. I still hankered after a chance to see Heather’s melons in the flesh, and feared I’d never get the chance. That was okay, because Adam had already lined up my next piece of ass: Jayden Ashcroft. She was a punk type with lesbian-style hair, shaved on the sides. I wasn’t particularly into her, but beggars can’t be choosers. We got to chatting online, and we were into a lot of the same bands and stuff.

I got closer to her than I had been to Christine or Heather. Maybe I’d lose my actual virginity this time. My bright idea for Adam and Christine’s night of passion was to buy tickets to a concert in the city. One of the bands featured on the Wrong End soundtrack was touring, and I knew Heather and my sister were both fans. I’d say I couldn’t make it because Jayden and I were going on a date, and Jayden wasn’t a fan. Martin, with whom I was to go, couldn’t use them either. Or something. Okay, so I didn’t put much thought into it, but it worked. Sarah and Heather were close these days, and they jumped at the chance. The concert began around six.

Adam and Christine showed up at six-thirty. Close call. I had plans to watch them together without their knowing. I could peep through the slats in the door of the walk-in closet of my parents’ bedroom, into which I could slip from the bathroom, which opened up on the hallway. Did I feel dirty about it? Beyond good and evil, man. Christine was better put together than when last she was in my home, wearing a tight, black dress, blonde hair pulled back, pumps on her feet, bright red lipstick. Total sexiness. Blood flowed to my member looking at her. Adam spoke first.

“Stop drooling, dude. Where’s the booze?”

“I wasn’t. What? My parents don’t keep much in the house.”

“Don’t listen to him, John,” said Christine. Her voice was flighty and excited, not her usual soft tone. “We’ll go upstairs and get out of your hair.”

She was remarkably casual for the situation, though excited. It was as if we were all going miniature golfing. I wondered how I could be so obsessed with a girl this easy, but her ambiguity showed even in her slutty eagerness. Because it had an innocent air to it, like they really were going to mini-golf instead fuck in my parent’s bed behind her boyfriend’s back. She was straight out of Coming of Age in Samoa: natural and at-ease with her promiscuity. They headed up without further ado. Adam already knew the house, of course, and we had discussed how things would go down. I busied myself pretending to make dinner, waiting a decent interval to sneak up and get a peep. 15 minutes should be enough, I thought.

Adam usually takes an hour or more with my sister; even if he and Christine were well into it, there should be plenty left to see. I crept upstairs, silent as death, went through the bathroom to the closet, and peered into the dimly lit room. I left candles burning to ensure there’d be something to see. Adam was eating Christine out. She was writhing, squirming, and making more noise than I had heard from her in my life. Adam was really going at it. She didn’t even have her dress off, and I could tell she was cumming.

“Oh yes, yes, don’t stop. Right there, please,” she said.

Then she screamed. It was unreal. I could have heard it downstairs. They didn’t care about me being in the house. Adam wasted no time after Christine came. He ripped off his pants and boxers, freeing that decent sized cock, which bobbed in front of him. He didn’t put on a cover. (I wondered if Christine knew.) He went right into her, didn’t take off her dress, or anything. He laid into her. I mean, really gave it to her. She was bucking and yelling. I was shocked how hard Adam went; harder than with my sister. Did Christine like it that way? Adam didn’t cum for forty-five minutes. I know exactly when he came, because he pulled out and did it on her face.

Christine was sweaty, with make-up running and a hoarse voice. The cum completed the look. I hadn’t dared to jerk off this whole time, lest I have to make a getaway. But had I been, I would have lost interest with what happened next. She used her hand to scoop his cum into her mouth, every last drop. Ugh. She savored it, too, and moaned. I left the closet in mild disgust. Christine was a cum slut? You can’t tell with some girls. Back downstairs, I watched TV and waited for Adam and Christine to come down. And waited. I heard a car pull up outside, and doors slam. I rushed to the window to see Sarah and Heather headed up the walk. I didn’t know if that was better or worse than my parents. Rushing upstairs, I heard Christine yelling again. At it again? What was up with those two? I banged on the door.

“Dude, what the fuck?” Adam shouted.

“My sister’s home with Heather. Hurry up!”

Adam flung the door open. His hard cock wagged at me, and he didn’t seem to mind. “Take care of them for me; I’m finishing here.”

I could see Christine on the bed over his shoulder. She was fully nude, puffy pink nipples, glistening shaved pussy, and all. She wasn’t bothered by my staring. Adam smirked at me and shut the door. I was left to head off my sister, who was already in the house. I lied as best I could.

“Jeff is upstairs with the Ice Princess. He asked if he could use our place, and I thought why not?”

Sarah and Heather looked at me incredulously. “Jeff and Christine aren’t together anymore. They had a big, public thing at the movies the other day. Everyone’s talking about it. Jeff has already been seen with Carrie Houseman,” Heather said in a bitchy tone.

Why didn’t I know? I was caught flat-footed. I couldn’t think what to say next. “What’s really going on up there? The Ice Princess can’t be here to see your baby dick again,” said my loving sister.

Heather laughed out loud. They tried to pass, and I physically resisted. Suddenly a clothed Adam manifested behind me. “Alright, enough. I’m here with Chris. Get used to it, Sarah.”

My sister was livid. “You asshole! Get out of here! Get out of my house! Get out!”

She was hysterical, and crying. I felt sorry for her, and all I could think to do was get her out-of-the-way before she saw Christine. Heather was cursing Adam, too, less emphatically. “Why don’t we go downstairs and let them get their stuff and get out, Sarah?” I asked.

“Fuck you, too, baby dick! How could you do this to me? Come on, Heather.”

The two of them went past Adam and I, towards Sarah’s room. After Sarah slammed the door shut, Adam looked at me and shrugged. I didn’t want to deal with the drama anymore. “You should clean up and leave.”

“I know. Your sister’s kinda hot when she’s pissed. If I could get her and Chris in a room together, I bet she’d go off like an a-bomb.”

“Shut up, you horny moron. Don’t you get enough action as it is?”

“You’re right. Chris is enough for me, for now.”

Christine poked her head out the door. She was disheveled but dressed, ready to bolt by the look of her. I smiled, but her eyes were locked on Adam. I saw in her face a look she used to reserve for Jeff, and I didn’t think Adam deserved it. Not that Jeff did, either. But here’s Adam, rubbing Christine in Sarah’s face, and all Christine can do is shoot him the goo-goo eyes. They deserve each other. I waited in my room until they left, then stepped in to finish the clean up job. My parents came home hours later, so everything was fine on that front. On the sister front, things were different. I tried to talk to Sarah, and knocked on her door. She was sitting in bed next to Heather, balling.

I left as soon as I saw. How could I help? Instead, I went to bed, chatted with Jayden, jerked off to her Twitter feed, and went to sleep. Heather stayed the night, and next morning came to breakfast in one of my sister’s over-sized t-shirts. Sarah didn’t come down until afternoon.

“That was a shit thing you did,” Heather told me. I knew. “Are you still hanging around with Jeff?”

Uh-oh, was she threatening to tell him about my part in Adam and Christine’s romp? Jeff’d kick my ass. Then it hit me: Heather was fishing for information because she still had the hots for him. I bailed on the conversation. All day my sister sulked, refusing to talk. By early evening I was in the pool, and she imperiously came over to the side, arms crossed, as if to tell me off. I swam over.

“Adam and you have a good laugh about me?”

“It wasn’t like that. We’re barely even friends anymore.”

“You in the habit of letting relative strangers use mom and dad’s bed to fuck?”

“No, he’s helping me with something, and I had to do him this favor.”

“Helping you with what? You’re not taking his sloppy seconds with the Ice Princess, are you? She’s not worth it.”

“No…Ugh,” I didn’t want to confess this part. “Someone else.”

“Who?”

“I don’t know if you know her.”

“Why can’t you get her by yourself, whoever she is?…Right, I forgot, your baby dick.”

Ouch. Sarah goes for the sore spot every time. “It’s not that I can’t get anyone. It’s easier this way.”

“You didn’t get any before Jeff set you up with the Ice Princess. Assholes like Jeff and Adam gotta set you up. Otherwise, you’d be alone. Just you, your hand, and your baby dick.. It’s pathetic. I bet you get off on the Ice Princess and the rest of them dominating you, too. Deep down, you like being walked over.”

“Whatever. Look, I’m sorry. No really, I mean it. I didn’t know you’d be hurt like that ”

She said nothing. Scowled at me and left. I got out of the pool, grabbed my towel, and headed for the cabana. Had any of this been worth it? I wouldn’t want to have remained an utter virgin. I was as still technically a virgin, and paid a high price in compromised morals and heartbroken sisters to stay a virgin. But I wouldn’t go back. Jayden pushed me to hook up. I was evasive, trying to get her to chase me. But who was I fooling? She was warned up and ready to go, and if I tried to fool around she might lose interest. So I set a date, a real date: dinner and a movie. (Not The Wrong Way again.)

Because I didn’t want her to end up like the others. No more wham, bam, thank you, sir. I wanted to get to know her. She agreed. That day she text me apologetically, explaining her step-dad was being a jerk about a dent she put in his car. She couldn’t make the date and wondered, could she meet me at my house later, around 10? Was she blowing me off, or was this legit? I didn’t know. Looked like straight sex for me again. I couldn’t complain. Jayden rolled up the drive at 9:53. Sarah was out with Heather; those two were thick as thieves lately. My parents were in the basement getting high, listening to old records. I met Jayden on the stoop.

She was dressed in a denim jacket and short, white skirt. No make-up to speak of, with her lesbian haircut staring at me. I never found her too attractive, but tonight she had me going. Sometimes circumstances, rather than partners, dictate hard-ons. We adjourned to my room, where we talked and talked. About a Manga series she was reading, about a TV show she binges on, about a bunch of other stuff I didn’t really care about. I don’t think she minded that I hardly said anything. Eventually she got around to The Wrong End, and her favorite scenes. God, I was sick of talking about that movie. But it was my bread and butter, so I couldn’t say a word against it.

“Pinky reminds me of you. Kinda dorky, but cute. And you wouldn’t think it, but he gets around.”

“Gets around? What’ve you heard?” I said as slyly as I could muster.

“This and that. I know I’m not a model like Christine, or a brick house like Heather. But you and I get along, don’t we?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“And you’re into me, aren’t you?”

“Duh.”

“I noticed your little bulge.”

Little? I glanced down. It was a regular jean bulge, I thought. How could she know I was fully erect?

“Adam told me you were just the right size, but I want to see for myself,” said Jayden.

“Rob…You know Rob?”

A lacrosse player Heather had also dated.

“Yeah.”

“Well, he was my first. We’re second cousins, actually, which is pretty weird. I can’t believe I told you that.” I didn’t react to her mild form of incest. “Anyway, he would’ve been way too big for…for what we’re about to do, even if he and his parents hadn’t gone away for the summer.”

What did I care about where some lacrosse player’s cock would fit. Man, I was sick of being talked to like a girlfriend. “I’ll do my best. No complaints so far.”

That was my false bravado.

“Show me, Pinky. Or do you want to see my stuff first?”

I nodded. She took off her jacket. Underneath was a white tank top, matching her skirt. I didn’t see a bra. Her tits showed through, and looked to be largish b-cups. She pulled the tank up and over her head. Dark red nipples, nice handfuls. I reached out to grab them, which I hadn’t done with Christine or Heather. She let me play with them. I tried to kiss her, but she pulled away. Damn. Next, Jayden reached into my pants through my zipper. “Where is the little guy?” She asked, as she fumbled around in there, brushing up against my boner.

“Ah, there. Shy guy, but standing up proud.”

She laughed. They laugh at me a lot.

I leaned in to suck on her handfuls, but she got up and started getting ready for the main event. Ugh. No sex for me but the Wrong kind, again. I never could manage to make these girls see me as a regular partner; always more of a science experiment. We made the necessary preparations. Jayden fully nude was nothing compared to Christine or Heather. She was squat and pasty more a pear shape than hourglass. I was not as excited as earlier that night, but a naked, willing, young woman is a naked, willing, young woman. I couldn’t wait to get in her. I told her to get on all fours near the edge of the bed.

“You mean ‘assume the position’, ha-ha,” she responded condescendingly.

Her flippancy turned me on. I guess my sister was right about my inner need to be dominated. I positioned myself behind her and pushed into her wide-ish backside. I told her to relax; she breathed rhythmically. I eased on in, past her ring. She looked back at me with her scrunched face. I didn’t think she was enjoying herself. We went on for fifteen minutes like that. I wasn’t close to cunning. She remained uncomfortable.

I was repeatedly interrupted by Jayden complaining, “No, not there, this way…move to the left. My left…slow down…faster…fuck me…stop, ow.”

The more she went on in that vein, the closer I got to popping. But I couldn’t get over that final hill, until I brought Christine to mind. Then I felt the familiar bubbling. Too late. Jayden interrupted my thoughts.

“Stop, stop. This isn’t working. Whodda thought your tiny dick could hurt so much?” She sat up, disappointment on her face. “Rob told me some people don’t fit.”

Rob again. I hated how casually girls brought up other fucks in the bedroom with me. “I’m close, and I can finish you another way.”

“Sorry, I’m done.” She moved to get out of bed.

“Come here a sec,” I said, pressing any momentum I still might have had. I leaned over to kiss her.

She pulled back violently. “No thanks, you finish yourself. I’m done. We didn’t fit, is all. But I’m glad I got this over with.”

“Okay, but we can try some other time? I like you, Jayd. We get along, don’t we?”

“Let’s be friends, okay? Rob and I will be back together next month, anyway. I had a time, but I gotta go.”

The phrase of death: let’s be friends. I watched Jayden dress, crestfallen. Rob would have his way with her next month, while I would be afforded the privilege of listening to her carry on about her damn Manga. Lucky me. She split in a hurry. I didn’t see her out the door, but stayed in my room and finished myself, as instructed. I thought about Christine; didn’t take long. Three days later, word had spread about Adam and Christine being together. The new couple weren’t keeping it a secret. Sarah and Heather, bosom (and bosomy) buddies, talked about seeing them around town. If I didn’t know better I’d have thought they were a couple. Heather was constantly hanging around the house, which admittedly was nicer than her mom’s shack.

I was isolated from teen society. Since I had been neglecting preparations for my first semester of college, which was fast approaching, I had plenty to occupy me. Gossip, assignations, secrets and lies, and dangerous liaisons held no interest for me anymore. Butt fucking three girls was enough for now. Jeff, on the other hand, was drowning in social misery. Heather was in constant contact with him, hoping to get a piece of him. (Perhaps she had.) She kept me informed against my will.

“He’s wallowing,” she said. “He wants Christine to be happy, but not with Adam. He hopes Adam dies of ball cancer,” at which she cackled unattractive.

“What about Carrie Houseman?”

“Oh, her? She was just a fling. Jeff tells me he doesn’t want to be involved for now. He’s that broken up.”

“I don’t know what comfort I can be. I’m as sick of Jeff as Christine is.”

Heather’s tone suddenly turned conspiratorial. Here, in my living room, 2pm on a Wednesday, she let me in on a scheme that would bring Johny Buttfuck to life. “He doesn’t want comfort, you know. He wants revenge. The least I can do for Sarah is help him get it on Adam.”

The least you can do for your wet panties over Jeff, I thought. But avenging Sarah was a noble purpose, even if I had a hand in wounding her. Especially if I had a hand in wounding her.

“I can’t steal Christine from him, and Adam doesn’t have a sister I can fuck…”

“Not a sister, no. But Jeff saw Adam’s mom on a date at The Wrong End.” (Which Jeff had watched at least four times.)

Adam’s single mom, who apparently is a connoisseur of fine anal cinema. My reaction was a short guffaw. Did these two think we could pull off me butt fucking Diane Seaver? I’d have better luck with Heather’s mom, who as I recalled kinda flirted with me. Adam’s mom, on the other hand, had been married to an NFL player. (Three seasons, Buffalo.) Who wasn’t Adam’s dad, mind you. Adam’s dad was a hedge fund manager on Wall Street. Adam Seaver was the only kid at our school with more money than my family, and his family had immeasurably greater social cachet. Ms. Seaver had been trophy wife to a rich financier and a professional athlete. What a joke, I thought. Thus began the Legend of Johnny Buttfuck and Adam’s Mom.

 

To be continued…