Behold his 10 commandments of tiny dicks – rules to live by or, if you insist, to bookmark “for a friend”.

1. Thou shalt find penises funny

“There are far too many shameful small dick ‘jokes’ bandied about, but humour is important. A good laugh can release tension, and some small dick jokes are funny. But this only because all dicks are funny. (Because they are, aren’t they?)”

2. Honour thy little dick

“You cannot be loved if you do not love yourself. A lack of confidence matters more than any perceived lack of length. Confidence starts by daring to love yourself even if you think others don’t. So, go ahead, give that little guy a hug.”

3. Thou art not alone

“The question of cock size abounds with statistics. We’re told 68% of men are between 4.5 and 6 inches. Whereas half of the rest of us (16%) boast less than 4.5in. But, hang on, 16% is quite a lot, really. That’s one in six. This means that, if you’re packing a four incher, in a group of a dozen men, stats say you’re not the only one.”

4. Thou shalt explore, experiment and discover

“A lot of guys with size anxiety get fed up with advice to use toys or try anal. It’s like they’re being relegated to second place, forced to use the so-called ‘tradesmen’s entrance’. Yet the truth is that every couple is unique – there isn’t a catch-all prescription for what does or doesn’t work. Great sex is exploration, wherever it takes you. Even the bum.”

5. Thy cock is not a weapon

“Guys bemoaning their shortcomings often complain they can’t hope to make a partner scream during sex – as if what they wish for is a meaty bludgeon to batter their partner with. Trust me, your partner will (mostly) prefer screams to be the result of a breaking orgasm, not a broken pelvis.”

6. Thou shalt beware penis enlargement scams

“If you want to enlarge your penis, you can stretch it till it snaps, perforate it like a teabag or pop some blood vessels with a pump (like a tyre blowing out) – the options are near endless. The Bible (Small Penis, not Holy) does inform you how to enlarge your penis, for free, but also tells you how to detect and dodge the many scams out there.”

7. Thou shalt not covet your neighbor’s cock

“The first penis transplant was big news, but what is less known is that the recipient asked for the procedure to be reversed after 15 days. For all the turmoil a small penis can cause, the underlying problem is rarely the size of the willy. Irrespective of the question, a big cock is seldom the answer.”

8. Remember: small cocks rock

“Screw the drawbacks, there are plenty of good things about little dicks. They stand to attention very quickly. They are less likely to fall down mid-mission. They cause less alarm when popping up at inopportune moments. Going ‘all in’ causes less gagging. Your willy may be small, yet the list of benefits is surprisingly (and ironically) long.”

9. Thou shalt not listen to small dick shaming

“One of the biggest myths The Bible (again, Small Penis…) attacks is the claim that bad men have small dicks, because a small dick makes you a bad man. Some small dicked guys are bad, angry men. Yet not because they were born with a small dick, but as they’ve been shamed by others all their lives.”

10. Size does not matter

“It’s too simplistic to say “size doesn’t matter”. Clearly, to a very vocal minority, it does. And that’s fine. But even though it can matter, it still doesn’t matter. Confusing? The Bible promises to clear this up and give you the definitive answer to this ancient question.”