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Dear Anna,

How do I tell a woman I have a micropenis?

I’ve run into a certain dilemma in dating because I’m unusually configured below the equator. Simply put, I have an exceptionally small penis. Of course confidence, being a decent person and pleasing in other ways are essential. How do I disclose this physical feature to a new woman in my life while avoiding the previous pitfalls? Those include 1) an unpleasant surprise in a moment of passion, 2) her being offended—perceiving a suggestion by me that she’s superficial and shallow as a person or 3) her being offended in thinking I told her at an inappropriate time, when sex was nowhere near being on the table or the evening’s agenda from her point of view. In my experience, 1 is worst, 2 next worst and 3 least worst, but all undesirable outcomes. The point is to avoid the surprise and give her a graceful exit, if she wants one. What’s a little guy to do?

—Sharing a Little Secret

Dear SALS,

Have you seen Unhung Hero on Netflix? It’s about one small-junked man trying to make his junk bigger using unproven and often dangerous techniques (pills, pumps, surgeries, etc.). He stops just short of getting some kind of strange penis injection in a third-world country. Also, (spoiler!) in the end, he finally accepts his junk and lands a smoking-hot girlfriend. It’s a pretty ridiculous premise for a movie, but as a non-penis-bearing person, it made me realize the extent that we fixate as a culture on this one perceived “inadequacy” and how many men feel like they’ve been, well, shafted.

Basically, I hate that this is considered an issue at all. If it makes you feel better, men with huge dicks have written to me with similar problems. Same with women with “unusual” labia and “weird nipples” and “too much pubic hair” (seriously). I want to tell you (and everyone) that our bodies are wondrous and magical and a little strange. That we tend to exaggerate our oddities because we are insecure, but the issue that is huge in your mind is not a huge deal at all to any person that you should give a damn about.

That said, don’t make your teeny weeny problem into a bigger one than it needs to be. How you decide to tell a new partner surely will vary by circumstance, but if I were to give you a general guideline, I’d say: For a casual hook up, don’t say anything. Just as I would advise a small-boobed lady not to shame-blurt, “I’M WEARING A PADDED BRA! I HAVE DECEIVED YOU,” so too I am advising you to not make a big thing about your thing.

Your body is not a liability. And your penis is perfectly functional (I’m presuming you would have mentioned otherwise). If a gal gets “upset” by your size in the heat of the moment, then she doesn’t deserve to have sex with you. Same with a guy who would tell a woman with “large” labia that he doesn’t want to bang her. These people don’t deserve orgasms, and the number of such people who would run screaming out of the room at the sight of a small penis is, pardon the pun, SMALL.

For a woman with whom you see a potential future: Have a talk with her about your insecurity post-make out session, but pre-naked times. Use the rubric I’ve mentioned before from sex educator Reid Mihalko about how to have hard discussions. In brief: “I want to tell you something. I’m afraid THIS CRAPPY THING will happen. What I want is for THIS THING to happen instead.” Then tell the thing about your thing.

Remember that your junk does not define you. Nor does it require a disclaimer before you get down with a new person, especially if, like many small men have learned, you know how to please your lady using other means. Will a few women not consider you her cup of lube? Probably. But that’s their loss. And, Real Talk, in my experience as a sex writer and advice-giver, the issue of penis size is almost always a much bigger deal to dudes than it is to ladies.

Good luck, SALS.

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