Mr. Limpy
Kirstie had begged him to see a doctor, but Felix was too embarrassed. ‘How could a man admit he was a failure,’ he’d say to his exasperated wife.
His wife wasn’t cooking because she was that kind of wife. They do take turns at it quite often. However, she had recently become unemployed due to staff cutbacks at the company she worked for as a receptionist. So lately, the blonde had taken to cooking and cleaning in the good old-fashioned sense. At the same time, Felix worked as an editor at a publishing company, a job he’s had for fifteen years. The couple also tends to socialize separately, and in an odd circumstance, Kirstie had never met any of his work colleagues, not even when they married three years ago, because they had eloped.
Felix entered the kitchen, enjoying the smell of roast beef emanating from the oven. “Hi, Kirstie, love, how are you?” he said, forcing a cheerful tone.
“Oh, hi, Felix,” Kirstie said and kissed him. “You look tired, busy day?”
Felix sighed with sagging shoulders. “Yes, we’re currently working on this medical textbook, and it’s a pain in the…gluteus maximus.”
She chuckled. “You need some help.”
Suddenly, Felix brightened. “Phil told me today they’re letting me hire an assistant as this book is just one in a series we’re publishing.”
“It’s about time. You work too hard for that company,” Kirstie said, hugging him. The smell of her perfume and the sensual pressure of her body giveFelix pleasure. “Now, why don’t you go and freshen up? Dinner will be ready in about thirty minutes,” Kirstie said, pushing him away gently.
Over dinner, Kirstie seemed awkwardly more silent than usual. As Felix put a forkful of food into his mouth, Kirstie said in a forced voice, “Felix?”
“Yes, love?” Felix said, gazing over at her frowning face,
“This assistant’s job is at your work. Is it something I could do?”
He thought for a moment. The idea hadn’t occurred to Felix previously. “Well, it’s not that difficult. I expect to train the successful applicant anyway. Yes, I think you could do it, but…”
“But what?” Kirstie said with a pout.
“If I hire my wife for the job, then it’ll look bad,” Felix said. “Nepotism, you know.”
“But you think I could do it?”
‘Oh, shit, why didn’t I see this one coming? Felix thought. “With your administration background, I certainly think you’d be good. My new assistant won’t be editing but doing most of the other stuff.”
“But you’re worried if you hired your wife, people would think you’re abusing your position,” Kirstie said, staring through narrow eyes.
“Yes, to put it bluntly,” Felix said, feeling sick. “I’m sorry, dear.”
“I understand…” Kirstie said, gathering up her plate as if to leave the table.
“I’m sure something will come along for you soon,” he said as she walked out.
‘Well, that went well,’ Felix thought. ‘Looks like another night on the couch for old Felix.’
*****
Two weeks later, Human Resources (HR) had put together a short list of applicants suitable for an interview for Felix’s new assistant position. He read the resumes and referee reports HR presented, and a few days later, interviews began for four shortlisted candidates. The candidates seemed equally qualified for the job, so it would come down to how they performed in the interview. The first candidate, a man in his mid-twenties, seemed to freeze when Phil and Richard asked the question. The second, a forty-something fat woman, came across as belligerent. The third, a recent college graduate who seemed to be stoned, calls Felix and Phil ‘brah’ and ‘dude.’ Before seeing the final candidate, Felix and Phil had a coffee break and burst out laughing.
“Shit, was that the best HR could come up with?” Felix said, sipping his coffee.
“I might’ve hired that last guy if he had the decency to pass around what he’d been smoking,” Phil laughed. “Who’s the final candidate?”
“A ‘Ms Reese Kernot’ seems to have extensive secretarial experience, so fingers crossed.”
“Let’s hope she’s a beauty, too. The office needs more eye candy,” Phil said with a leer.
“Don’t let HR hear you talk like that,” Felix said, smiling. “You’ll be up for sexual harassment.”
Phil chortles. “I only sexually harass those women who consent, I promise, cross my heart.”
“You’re a bad man. That’s why I like you,” Felix said. “Let’s get this over with.”
After settling back in the conference room, Ms. Kernot entered the room, and when Felix first saw her, he gasped with bulging eyes. Ms. Kernot was none other than his wife, Kirstie. Then the flabbergasted man remembered Kirstie’s middle name was Reese, and her maiden name was Kernot. ‘What the fuck is she doing here?’ Felix wondered.
Phil welcomed Ms. Kernot in, smiling broadly. Kirstie was a beauty with long blonde hair, blue eyes, large DD-cup breasts, and a curvy figure without being fat. Kirstie dressed conservatively in a woman’s suit. Yet, it was tight enough to inform everyone that her body was smoking hot beneath those clothes. Then Felix noticed Kirstie wasn’t wearing her wedding ring either. As Felix stared at his wife, wondering what to do, Phil talked nonstop, then asked him something.
“Uh, what?” Felix said, gazing around at Phil, blinking rapidly.
“Earth to Felix,” Phil mocked. “Ms. Kernot, err, sorry—Reese—was just explaining she was fresh to the job market after a recent redundancy and was eager to prove her worth to our company. Do you have some questions to ask?”
Phil knew Felix did, so he slipped back into ‘work’ mode and asked the standard questions he had asked others, like strengths and weaknesses, customer service, working to deadlines, etc. Phil was clearly besotted with Kirstie and had already decided, smiling broadly and giving encouraging signs to all her answers. After the standard questions were over, Phil took over.
“So, Reese, tell us about your personal life,” Phil asks.
Glancing at Felix, she said, “I’m divorced about two years now…”
“Oh, too bad. How any man could let a good woman like you go was beyond me?”
Kirstie chuckled. “I let him go,” she said coldly. “He just wasn’t cutting it in the marital bed.”
Phil burst out laughing, and Felix forced himself to smile, but inside, he felt like a bomb had just gone off.
“Oh my God, we gotta wild one here,” Phil said, still laughing. “Why wasn’t he cutting it?”
Kirstie smiles while gazing directly at Felix, who visibly swallows. “Where do I start,” she said with cold eyes. “I could’ve forgiven the fact he had a very small dick, but when he became impotent too, that was the final straw for me. A woman has needs, you know.”
Phil was laughing so hard now he was gasping and holding his stomach. Felix was forcing his smile, yet he felt his face burning red hot.
“Um, as amusing as it all sounds,” Felix butted in firmly, “such details are irrelevant to the position. I’m sure Phil meant things like hobbies and interests, not your sex life.”
“I don’t have any specific hobbies,” Kirstie said coyly. “I just like the regular stuff people like, such as movies, music, reading good books, eating out, socializing, and so on.”
Phil was at last calming down, and Felix was grateful. “What do you think you could bring to the company apart from your secretarial skills?” Phil asked, staring directly at her breasts.
“I’m a quick learner,” Kirstie said confidently. “I know you don’t want me to edit books, but I could do all the other stuff to give Felix the time he needs to do his job.”
“Good answer,” Phil said with a nod.
“Also…” Kirstie said before Felix could say anything. “I can work as many hours as you need, even weekends. I work well with others usually, and I’ll do whatever it takes. Anything, ask.”
With barely a glance at Felix, Phil stood and shook her hand. “Well, Reese, I think I speak for Felix in congratulating you on an excellent interview, and I’d like to offer you the job here and now.”
Felix nodded dumbly, and Phil showed Kirstie to the door. They paused there, and Felix saw him write something on the back of one of his business cards.
“If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to call. This is my personal number,” Phil said, handing her the card. “It’ll be a pleasure to have you here.”
“Thanks, that’s so nice,” Kirstie said, simultaneously taking the card with her other hand on his arm, a strangely intimate gesture for two people who just met.
When Kirstie’s gone, Phil spins on his heels, gazing at Felix with a big grin. Felix felt like throwing up.
“Talk about saving the best for last,” Phil shouted with his chest puffed out. “Reese is perfect. She fits everything we need.”
“You’re only saying that cos you think she’s hot,” Felix said, shaking his head.
“True to a point, but she’s also qualified for the job, so it’s win-win, right?” Phil said, and Felix just nodded. “She can start Monday. I’ll let HR know. You better sort out a desk and computer for her.”
Felix spent the rest of his day arranging a workspace for Kirstie and liaising with HR about the induction process. He noticed Kirstie listed their home address as her residence. However, he remembered the company still had him under his old address, a townhouse Felix lived in before he married. Therefore, as far as the company was concerned, the two were strangers.
‘I cannot believe she pulled this off,’ Felix thought. ‘Moreover, what was all that small dick stuff she was going on about in the interview? Why did she say she was single? Now Phil is gonna be all over her like a rash. Is that what Kirstie wanted? Is she punishing me for the rut we’ve been in recently? She knows the doctor said my impotence is medical. Not even Viagra can get it up. Oh, Kirstie, what are you doing to me?’
Mr. Limpy
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