Small Dick
Hello, my name is Jeroen. I am relatively new to the gay scene and have a really small dick. I try to compensate for this by doing a lot of triathlons and putting a lot of money into this just for external validation, because I am so insecure about myself. At the moment, I am dating a woman who looks like a man, just to get it hard. I am not so sexually interested, to be honest. Can you help me out? How to overcome my insecurities? I am 45.
*****
Max Wrote:
Hey Jeroen, thanks for being open about where you’re at. That takes guts, especially at 45 when you’re supposed to have everything figured out. Let me give you some real talk.
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First: The Triathlon Thing
You’re exhausting yourself and emptying your bank account chasing external validation that will never fill the hole you’re trying to plug. I’ve seen this pattern before — the harder you train, the more you spend, the more you’re trying to prove you’re “enough” despite what’s between your legs.
Here’s the brutal truth: No medal, no finisher’s photo, no toned body is going to make you stop feeling small if you haven’t addressed the actual wound. You’re running races hoping to outrun your own insecurity, and that’s a race nobody wins.
Triathlons are great if you love them. If you’re doing them as a proxy for self-worth, you’re just building a body you still won’t believe in.
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Second: The Woman Who “Looks Like a Man”
You’re dating someone you’re not sexually attracted to because their presentation helps you perform heterosexuality you don’t actually feel. That’s not fair to her, and it’s not fair to you.
You said you’re “new in the gay scene.” That suggests you’ve done some exploring, some acknowledging of what actually turns you on. But now you’re retreating to a relationship that lets you avoid the full confrontation with your sexuality — and your size anxiety is the excuse you’re using to stay stuck.
A woman who “looks like a man” isn’t a bridge to being gay. She’s a safety net. And you’re going to hurt her when you finally admit what you actually want.
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Third: The Small Dick in Gay Culture
I’m not going to sugarcoat this. Gay male culture can be brutal about size. Apps, bathhouses, clubs — there’s a lot of “hung only” energy out there. But here’s what they don’t tell you:
There’s a niche for everything. The gay scene is vast. There are guys who specifically love smaller cocks. There are guys who don’t care about size at all and want connection, chemistry, and enthusiasm. There are bottoms who don’t need you to be hung to make them feel good. There are tops who want a mouthful, not a throat challenge.
You’ve been operating on shame-based assumptions about what gay men want. Those assumptions are keeping you from finding the guys who would actually want you.
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How to Actually Move Forward
1. Stop performing, Start Being
You’re 45. You don’t have decades to waste on performances. If you’re gay, be gay. If you’re bi, be bi. If you’re questioning, question out loud with people who get it. The energy you’re putting into maintaining a facade could go into finding authentic connection.
2. Therapy Specifically for This
Find a sex-positive therapist who works with LGBTQ+ clients and body image issues. Not a general therapist — someone who specifically understands sexuality, masculinity, and the particular shame spiral of size insecurity. This isn’t weakness. It’s strategy.
3. Gay Spaces That Aren’t App-Based
Apps are visual-first and reduce people to stats. Try in-person communities where you’re a whole person before you’re a dick size — LGBTQ+ sports leagues, hobby groups, social organizations. Let people know you as Jeroen the person before Jeroen the penis.
4. Honest Conversation With Your Current Partner
You need to have the hard conversation with the woman you’re dating. She deserves to know you’re not sexually attracted to her. She deserves to find someone who looks at her and gets hard without needing her to “look like a man.” This will be painful. Do it anyway.
5. Reframe Your Relationship With Your Body
Your cock is one part of you. It’s not your worth, your masculinity, or your entire sexual identity. You have hands, a mouth, a brain, and a capacity for connection. Men with smaller equipment often develop better oral skills, more attention to partner pleasure, and more creativity because they have to. Turn that into your asset.
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The Bottom Line
You’re 45 and just beginning to figure out who you are sexually. That’s not late — that’s honest. Some men die at 80 never having admitted what they actually wanted.
You can keep compensating, keep racing, keep dating women who don’t turn you on, and keep feeling like a fraud. Or you can do the scary work of accepting that your dick is what it is, your sexuality is what it is, and your life gets to be about more than running from both.
The gay scene isn’t one monolith. There’s space for you in it. But you have to show up as yourself — not the triathlete, not the “straight-acting” guy, not the compensating overachiever. Just Jeroen.
That’s the only version anyone can actually want.
Hope that helps!
Max Swan
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